3 months in and the year is hotting and shaping up really well.
As the housing market continues to disappoint me I am focusing the majority of my disposable income into travelling and new experiences. In January I finally got to see Hamilton in London along with Young Frankenstein, Book of Mormon and School of Rock. The trip was just great from start to finish and it was so lovely to be able to spend time with Paul, Gerald and Mark.
February was quiet and March as usual is busy and expensive! I have birthdays all over the place, mothers day, car insurance due and a holiday to try and budget for. Despite this I am remaining positive to conquer them all and still soak up every piece of new experiences.
This Monday Paul and I are heading off to Malta to stay for 5 nights in Sliema. Malta will be my first new place I am travelling to this year and it looks incredible. We ended up getting our flights for almost free with Ryanair cancelling our original London flights in November. We plan to explore the three islands, go diving, swim lots and fill up on fresh Maltese food in 17 degree heat.
Ongoing life stuff include continuing to grow my hair in order to chop off 7+ inches on 21st April with Noeleen and possibly Judith. As well as trying to adjust to a new relationship with Dave and all the excitment and terror that comes along with that.
Life is good though, lots going on and a trip planned every month for the next few months!
J9
Tuesday 6 March 2018
Wednesday 3 January 2018
2017 revisited, 2018 goal
2017 Goals
1. Travel to at least three new places outside of the UK. (Currently two booked)
DONE. I travelled to Amsterdam with Gerald in January, to Poland in March with Amy and to Italy (Lake Garda) with my parents.
2. Become an active volunteer for Rosie's Trust.
DONE. I volunteered with a man called Mr Bell and his dog Snoopy. Sadly Mr Bell died and I went to his funeral in December.
3. Reduce meat and dairy consumption overall. Starting with a veggie January!
DONE. Moreso with meat than dairy. I find I mostly only eat meat when I am out for dinner or somebody is making me dinner. Most days I will have veggie alternatives or just veg based meals.
4. Establish a fitness routine.
DONE. I rejoined the gym and actually went which helped my overall fitness levels with the dog walking.
5. Buy a house by myself.
PROGRESS - Although I haven't bought one I have saved a few more thousand for my deposit so I am happy about that.
6. Improve overall diet - REDUCE SUGAR!
FAIL - I did a little but not to the extent I want to.
7. Get a promotion/new job.
DONE. I took on new work with doing Corp/Community bookings and well as being part of the social media team.
8. Read 12 books.
FAIL.
9. Explore creativity - sell your stuff at a craft fair.
DONE. I did this in April selling handmade cards, and bath cosmetics.
10. Learn to switch off from social media/technology.
DONE. With the help of music and doing more gym/dog walking this helped me.
Overall I gave myself a 7 out of 10. Which I am happy with!
Now to 2018.
1. Buy a place of my own.
This has been on it for the last few years and every year I want it a little more. Come on 2018!
2. Travel to at least 3 new places in the world.
Currently I have Malta booked in March. Two more please!
3. Donate 7inches plus of my hair to Little Princesses Trust.
Growing it long to hopefully cut it in April with my friend Noeleen.
4. Get a new job.
Limitied to no opportunities where I am. Time to find a job just as fulfilling where I can grow.
5. Do an adrenaline event and raise money for Action Cancer.
A charity that does good, and that I have been a part of for over 2 years.
6. Volunteer to help the homlesss.
An issue I am becoming increasingly worried about in this city and around the world.
7. Try and come off all medication completely.
Just try and go back on it if it does not go well.
8. Improve diet by reducing dairy and sugar.
9. Improve fitness - dog walking or gym classes at least twice a week - yoga and pump?
10. Do a creative fun class with a friend or alone.
Here's to the New Year!
J9
1. Travel to at least three new places outside of the UK. (Currently two booked)
DONE. I travelled to Amsterdam with Gerald in January, to Poland in March with Amy and to Italy (Lake Garda) with my parents.
2. Become an active volunteer for Rosie's Trust.
DONE. I volunteered with a man called Mr Bell and his dog Snoopy. Sadly Mr Bell died and I went to his funeral in December.
3. Reduce meat and dairy consumption overall. Starting with a veggie January!
DONE. Moreso with meat than dairy. I find I mostly only eat meat when I am out for dinner or somebody is making me dinner. Most days I will have veggie alternatives or just veg based meals.
4. Establish a fitness routine.
DONE. I rejoined the gym and actually went which helped my overall fitness levels with the dog walking.
5. Buy a house by myself.
PROGRESS - Although I haven't bought one I have saved a few more thousand for my deposit so I am happy about that.
6. Improve overall diet - REDUCE SUGAR!
FAIL - I did a little but not to the extent I want to.
7. Get a promotion/new job.
DONE. I took on new work with doing Corp/Community bookings and well as being part of the social media team.
8. Read 12 books.
FAIL.
9. Explore creativity - sell your stuff at a craft fair.
DONE. I did this in April selling handmade cards, and bath cosmetics.
10. Learn to switch off from social media/technology.
DONE. With the help of music and doing more gym/dog walking this helped me.
Overall I gave myself a 7 out of 10. Which I am happy with!
Now to 2018.
1. Buy a place of my own.
This has been on it for the last few years and every year I want it a little more. Come on 2018!
2. Travel to at least 3 new places in the world.
Currently I have Malta booked in March. Two more please!
3. Donate 7inches plus of my hair to Little Princesses Trust.
Growing it long to hopefully cut it in April with my friend Noeleen.
4. Get a new job.
Limitied to no opportunities where I am. Time to find a job just as fulfilling where I can grow.
5. Do an adrenaline event and raise money for Action Cancer.
A charity that does good, and that I have been a part of for over 2 years.
6. Volunteer to help the homlesss.
An issue I am becoming increasingly worried about in this city and around the world.
7. Try and come off all medication completely.
Just try and go back on it if it does not go well.
8. Improve diet by reducing dairy and sugar.
9. Improve fitness - dog walking or gym classes at least twice a week - yoga and pump?
10. Do a creative fun class with a friend or alone.
Here's to the New Year!
J9
Tuesday 20 June 2017
Depression and what helps me.
Despite a minor episode in the month I am happy to report that my depression all in all has been pretty good. Sadly for some people around me they have been going through a tough time and although it's difficult to watch I passed on what sometimes can help me.
I then thought that in the pit of depression, where motivation is lost and the only appealing thought is to sleep and/or dissolve I have no idea what to do to bring myself out of the depths.
Talking to a friend he described how depression felt to him. He said depression is the width and depth of the metaphorical hole beneath him. Some days there was no hole and he could just walk on and there was no hole. On a different day he might wake up and it just takes a little effort to get himself out of the hole. Some days the hole was so deep he could barely see the sky above him and it wasn't wide enough for him to get out at all.
My hole seems to mostly be a step out one these days which I am very grateful for.
A list of things that can sometimes (definitely not always) make me feel better when in a depressive episode;
I then thought that in the pit of depression, where motivation is lost and the only appealing thought is to sleep and/or dissolve I have no idea what to do to bring myself out of the depths.
Talking to a friend he described how depression felt to him. He said depression is the width and depth of the metaphorical hole beneath him. Some days there was no hole and he could just walk on and there was no hole. On a different day he might wake up and it just takes a little effort to get himself out of the hole. Some days the hole was so deep he could barely see the sky above him and it wasn't wide enough for him to get out at all.
My hole seems to mostly be a step out one these days which I am very grateful for.
A list of things that can sometimes (definitely not always) make me feel better when in a depressive episode;
- Sleep.
- A tidy environment.
- Tidying the environment.
- Seeing dogs.
- Walking dogs - currently Marley and Snoopy.
- Going on a drive to somewhere by the sea.
- Checking in with friends and if I feel so bad I can't see them just let them know I am having a tough time with depression incase they think I am ignoring them.
- Making healthy meals and freezing batches.
- Clearing out/organising my room/car/kitchen/bathroom.
- Donating unwanted possessions to charity.
- Bringing out Amy or Lauren for dinner.
- Having a productive bath (shaving, face mask, washing hair)
- Being creative - making origami, bath bombs etc.
- Having an honest chat to somebody who will listen about how I feel and feeling no judgement and not getting a list of solutions.
- Drinking lots of water.
- Lighting a candle in a clean room.
- Writing about how I feel - and not publishing it or showing it to anyone.
- Playing guitar.
- Watch an all-time favourite movie like Thumbalina.
- Cry, a lot and tire yourself out so you can sleep and wake feeling better.
- Excercise - yoga especially
- Herbal tea.
- Sex.
- Comfy jammies.
- Being Cosy.
- Plan a new adventure/holiday.
- Literally crying on somebody who cares enough to let you.
- Taking your own space, your own time and remembering to not feel guilty for feeling feelings.
- Escapism - play a game, watch youtube videos.
- Visit Marley - look at the love in his eyes as he manically licks your face.
Tuesday 16 May 2017
Joy or Sadness
Recently I was described as Joy from Inside Out in my workplace and it got me thinking about how others perceive me as a person.
I never would have thought I was a particularly optimistic or positive person. Having struggled pretty intensely from depression and anxiety I always perceived myself as a fairly realistic person who is grounded in the realisation that things aren't always brilliant and the notions of self-hatred and lack of motivation are far too familiar to me. The idea that those around me thought of me as a positive person really stuck me and I was instantly happily surprised by their judgement.
I definitely think part of being a happy or positive person is based on your main environments. Where do you spend most of your time? If it's somewhere that makes you droop at the thought of it then you need to work to change that. Sometimes doing this is impossible or a certain length of time needs to pass before you can get out of that. I have been in jobs that I felt my motivation for life was completely sucked out of me and I accepted the misery and it was so hard for me to get out of that environment.
A few years back something happened in my life and the shock and betrayal left me unmotivated for life. I had no interest in anything I used to love, my main motivations were now empty spaces and I was left wondering "what's the point". I kept thinking the years before that were the best years of my life and now my cogs wouldn't work and I had lost the ability to enjoy anything. I had given up on maintaining anything I had because even if things got better I had already had my good time in the sun.
Looking back now I realise that I may have felt the sun but the pool was full of bugs and all the chemicals in pool were damaging my skin. I was not as happy as I thought I was - I was living a complete lie and ignoring all the shitty things because I had one seemingingly good thing. Ultimately the one thing I had I felt was good enough to ignore the festering mess amongst it. I was surface happy, but I was not well-rounded, independent, mentally well, or even very charitable.
It turns out the good thing I had was a very very convincing fake and I beat myself up for a long time for falling for the fake and not maintaining the rest of my life. I did not pick up myself up in a day, a month or a year. It was literally years and whether or not I will fully be picked up is unknown but know my happiness is real and it is spread on all parts and people in my life.
When a shitty thing happens in life people say you give up or you move on. I think that depends on the day, it depends on your mental health, your support network, your healthcare system and it depends on if you can realise you deserve more than fake happiness and one shiny penny in an otherwise empty purse.
I know I am using too many crap metaphors but spilling my personal life online is not something I want to get in the habit of doing!
So back to my initial thoughts on happiness and joy. I feel like happy and thankfulness should be on equal power. If you are happy you have something you need to maintain it. If you lose your fake happiness don't seek to replace it and for god sake do not go looking for it in the place that you lost it.
Happiness to me is stroking Marley after a walk, reading a letter into work saying we saved their lives, my car getting me home, waking up to a new day where I don't hate myself and I am not embarrassed of myself. Being kind to myself was the hardest thing but it leads to being kind for others and leading a life where you can be proud of what you put into the world rather than what you have to show for it.
For me, neither joy or happiness comes easily. Everything that makes me happy I have had to work hard to maintain but the fact I have these things and people in my life makes me grateful and happy. The fact I don't live in fear makes me happy.
The fact that self-recovery is possible makes me happy and thankful I did not give up, because I have so damn much to live for.
Janine "Joy" Cousins
I never would have thought I was a particularly optimistic or positive person. Having struggled pretty intensely from depression and anxiety I always perceived myself as a fairly realistic person who is grounded in the realisation that things aren't always brilliant and the notions of self-hatred and lack of motivation are far too familiar to me. The idea that those around me thought of me as a positive person really stuck me and I was instantly happily surprised by their judgement.
I definitely think part of being a happy or positive person is based on your main environments. Where do you spend most of your time? If it's somewhere that makes you droop at the thought of it then you need to work to change that. Sometimes doing this is impossible or a certain length of time needs to pass before you can get out of that. I have been in jobs that I felt my motivation for life was completely sucked out of me and I accepted the misery and it was so hard for me to get out of that environment.
A few years back something happened in my life and the shock and betrayal left me unmotivated for life. I had no interest in anything I used to love, my main motivations were now empty spaces and I was left wondering "what's the point". I kept thinking the years before that were the best years of my life and now my cogs wouldn't work and I had lost the ability to enjoy anything. I had given up on maintaining anything I had because even if things got better I had already had my good time in the sun.
Looking back now I realise that I may have felt the sun but the pool was full of bugs and all the chemicals in pool were damaging my skin. I was not as happy as I thought I was - I was living a complete lie and ignoring all the shitty things because I had one seemingingly good thing. Ultimately the one thing I had I felt was good enough to ignore the festering mess amongst it. I was surface happy, but I was not well-rounded, independent, mentally well, or even very charitable.
It turns out the good thing I had was a very very convincing fake and I beat myself up for a long time for falling for the fake and not maintaining the rest of my life. I did not pick up myself up in a day, a month or a year. It was literally years and whether or not I will fully be picked up is unknown but know my happiness is real and it is spread on all parts and people in my life.
When a shitty thing happens in life people say you give up or you move on. I think that depends on the day, it depends on your mental health, your support network, your healthcare system and it depends on if you can realise you deserve more than fake happiness and one shiny penny in an otherwise empty purse.
I know I am using too many crap metaphors but spilling my personal life online is not something I want to get in the habit of doing!
So back to my initial thoughts on happiness and joy. I feel like happy and thankfulness should be on equal power. If you are happy you have something you need to maintain it. If you lose your fake happiness don't seek to replace it and for god sake do not go looking for it in the place that you lost it.
Happiness to me is stroking Marley after a walk, reading a letter into work saying we saved their lives, my car getting me home, waking up to a new day where I don't hate myself and I am not embarrassed of myself. Being kind to myself was the hardest thing but it leads to being kind for others and leading a life where you can be proud of what you put into the world rather than what you have to show for it.
For me, neither joy or happiness comes easily. Everything that makes me happy I have had to work hard to maintain but the fact I have these things and people in my life makes me grateful and happy. The fact I don't live in fear makes me happy.
The fact that self-recovery is possible makes me happy and thankful I did not give up, because I have so damn much to live for.
Janine "Joy" Cousins
Life update.
It's mid May and things are pretty great. I feel like I'm doing a lot more varied things with my time and making progress on all of those resolutions I blogged about at the start of the year!
I have been spending lots of my time walking dogs which has been great. Marley is 6 and half months old and he is such a delight. He can sit, give paw and lie down. He rarely barks and when he does it's because he is excited or confused, but never in anger. We have been to all the parks over Belfast and he has met all my friends and family and they all adore him which is lovely to see.
The other dog I have been spending time with is Snoopy. Snoopy is a 10 year old Yorkie who I got paired with now that I am a volunteer with Rosie's Trust. I am walking her twice a week which is nice although I get less freedom with her as I can't take him off the lead or walk her when I feel like it due to having to stick with the rota. She is very friendly and affectionate with people but not so much with other dogs and she can sometimes bark. Her owner Mr Bell is lovely too and doing something charitable makes me feel useful which is definitely nice to feel.
I have been playing Persona 5 a lot and barely watching TV now that GIRLS has ended but I am enjoying watching The Handmaid's Tale and I think it's truely ground-breaking TV.
I have managed to fit relatively fit with dog walking and also going to the gym at least once a week. At the minute this is usually yoga class or weight training but anything that increases my level of fitness is welcomed at this point. It's around £28 a month which is managable and means if I have nothing to do I can hop off to the gym without having to pay to do another activity.
I am trying to spend my time doing free activites in order to save as much as possible for a house which I am really hoping to get this year. Turns out finding a house less than 90 grand, in a nice area in East/South Belfast, with 2 bedrooms, decent kitchen, bathroom with bath and needing no major renovation is difficult. Every month I get closer though and I don't wanna settle for something just to have my own place so patience is key.
Travelling-wise I am currently looking at going to Dubrovnik, Croatia. Paul and I are thinking of going for a week and I have found this sweet apartment right at the beach with a patio balcony. The trip for a week (flights and accomodation) is looking about £400 so it won't be too hard on the purse strings either.
Work is good too and I love my job and the people I work with. Ideally yes I want a better salary but I don't want to sacrifice my happiness for a better wage so I am being picky for what I am applying for. I managed to get a pay raise for the last year so I am definitely happy about that.
The rest of my time is typically spent with my family and my friends. I have made new friend in Erin (a Canadian who temped at Action Cancer) and I continue to keep close friendships with Gerald, Paul, Nikki, Amy, Lauren and the girls from work.
All in all, life is good - 10/10, would live again.
JPC
I have been spending lots of my time walking dogs which has been great. Marley is 6 and half months old and he is such a delight. He can sit, give paw and lie down. He rarely barks and when he does it's because he is excited or confused, but never in anger. We have been to all the parks over Belfast and he has met all my friends and family and they all adore him which is lovely to see.
The other dog I have been spending time with is Snoopy. Snoopy is a 10 year old Yorkie who I got paired with now that I am a volunteer with Rosie's Trust. I am walking her twice a week which is nice although I get less freedom with her as I can't take him off the lead or walk her when I feel like it due to having to stick with the rota. She is very friendly and affectionate with people but not so much with other dogs and she can sometimes bark. Her owner Mr Bell is lovely too and doing something charitable makes me feel useful which is definitely nice to feel.
I have been playing Persona 5 a lot and barely watching TV now that GIRLS has ended but I am enjoying watching The Handmaid's Tale and I think it's truely ground-breaking TV.
I have managed to fit relatively fit with dog walking and also going to the gym at least once a week. At the minute this is usually yoga class or weight training but anything that increases my level of fitness is welcomed at this point. It's around £28 a month which is managable and means if I have nothing to do I can hop off to the gym without having to pay to do another activity.
I am trying to spend my time doing free activites in order to save as much as possible for a house which I am really hoping to get this year. Turns out finding a house less than 90 grand, in a nice area in East/South Belfast, with 2 bedrooms, decent kitchen, bathroom with bath and needing no major renovation is difficult. Every month I get closer though and I don't wanna settle for something just to have my own place so patience is key.
Travelling-wise I am currently looking at going to Dubrovnik, Croatia. Paul and I are thinking of going for a week and I have found this sweet apartment right at the beach with a patio balcony. The trip for a week (flights and accomodation) is looking about £400 so it won't be too hard on the purse strings either.
Work is good too and I love my job and the people I work with. Ideally yes I want a better salary but I don't want to sacrifice my happiness for a better wage so I am being picky for what I am applying for. I managed to get a pay raise for the last year so I am definitely happy about that.
The rest of my time is typically spent with my family and my friends. I have made new friend in Erin (a Canadian who temped at Action Cancer) and I continue to keep close friendships with Gerald, Paul, Nikki, Amy, Lauren and the girls from work.
All in all, life is good - 10/10, would live again.
JPC
Wednesday 11 January 2017
2016 revisited, 2017 goals.
Happy New Year and welcome to a far too late blogpost about the New year Goals.
Let's start with the goals for last year and see how well I did.
1. Move out. - PROGRESS
If you don't do any of the rest of the list do this one. Get a house share, move in with friends or if you get really lucky get your own place. I will be so proud of you!
Although I did not do this I decided I am now looking for a house of my own and I have saved a lot of money and got a Help to Buy ISA to help me along the way. I have been house hunting for over 6 months, viewed many and even put an offer on!
2. Learn to make something new. - DONE
In 2015 I started making bath bombs and other basic cosmetics. Learn how to do more, maybe candles? Be creative!
This year I expanded my creative skills with card and flower making and did homemade Christmas cards and gifts and signed up for a craft fair to sell my handmade things.
3. READ. 12 books a year. - FAIL
I am recycling this goal from last year but it's achievable and we can definitely do it.
Definitely did not make this a priority, but I'm not too upset - I did a lot!
4. Take care of your mental health. - DONE
You know what I mean for this one. Take care of yourself and put it as a priority. Even over moving out!
100% yes, completed counselling and got myself in a new place mentally. Very proud.
5. Look after dogs. - DONE
You can't have one but keep looking after them whether it be through borrowmydoggy or visiting Lauren and bringing her and her dogs out for a good walk.
Yes, a continued relationship with Lauren. Plus registering as a volunteer for Rosie's Trust.
6. Eat less meat. - DONE
In the month of January I have tried to limit meat to one meal a day. I'd like to continue this to strive to be healthier and try more vegetable based meals.
Yes! Meat is less of a priority and I definitely eat less and I think it's made me healthier.
7. Don't hoard your LUSH stuff - use it! - DONE
Yes! 100%.
8. Go and see as many plays as you can and want to! - DONE
Yes! This year I seen; In The Heights, Sister Act, The Last Five Years (London), Kinky Boots, Footloose and Little Shop of Horror.
9. Dye your hair back to it's natural colour - and back if you hate it! - DONE
I did it, I hated it, I am back to normal. :P
10. Look into Invisalign, have a consultation and see if it is affordable. - FAIL
I did not.
Additional achievements;
- Travelled alone to Budapest.
- Completed Chiropractic treatment to help shoulder pain.
2017 Goals
1. Travel to at least three new places outside of the UK. (Currently two booked)
2. Become an active volunteer for Rosie's Trust.
3. Reduce meat and dairy consumption overall. Starting with a veggie January!
4. Establish a fitness routine.
5. Buy a house by myself.
6. Improve overall diet - REDUCE SUGAR!
7. Get a promotion/new job.
8. Read 12 books.
9. Explore creativity - sell your stuff at a craft fair.
10. Learn to switch off from social media/technology.
Let's start with the goals for last year and see how well I did.
1. Move out. - PROGRESS
If you don't do any of the rest of the list do this one. Get a house share, move in with friends or if you get really lucky get your own place. I will be so proud of you!
Although I did not do this I decided I am now looking for a house of my own and I have saved a lot of money and got a Help to Buy ISA to help me along the way. I have been house hunting for over 6 months, viewed many and even put an offer on!
2. Learn to make something new. - DONE
In 2015 I started making bath bombs and other basic cosmetics. Learn how to do more, maybe candles? Be creative!
This year I expanded my creative skills with card and flower making and did homemade Christmas cards and gifts and signed up for a craft fair to sell my handmade things.
3. READ. 12 books a year. - FAIL
I am recycling this goal from last year but it's achievable and we can definitely do it.
Definitely did not make this a priority, but I'm not too upset - I did a lot!
4. Take care of your mental health. - DONE
You know what I mean for this one. Take care of yourself and put it as a priority. Even over moving out!
100% yes, completed counselling and got myself in a new place mentally. Very proud.
5. Look after dogs. - DONE
You can't have one but keep looking after them whether it be through borrowmydoggy or visiting Lauren and bringing her and her dogs out for a good walk.
Yes, a continued relationship with Lauren. Plus registering as a volunteer for Rosie's Trust.
6. Eat less meat. - DONE
In the month of January I have tried to limit meat to one meal a day. I'd like to continue this to strive to be healthier and try more vegetable based meals.
Yes! Meat is less of a priority and I definitely eat less and I think it's made me healthier.
7. Don't hoard your LUSH stuff - use it! - DONE
Yes! 100%.
8. Go and see as many plays as you can and want to! - DONE
Yes! This year I seen; In The Heights, Sister Act, The Last Five Years (London), Kinky Boots, Footloose and Little Shop of Horror.
9. Dye your hair back to it's natural colour - and back if you hate it! - DONE
I did it, I hated it, I am back to normal. :P
10. Look into Invisalign, have a consultation and see if it is affordable. - FAIL
I did not.
Additional achievements;
- Travelled alone to Budapest.
- Completed Chiropractic treatment to help shoulder pain.
2017 Goals
1. Travel to at least three new places outside of the UK. (Currently two booked)
2. Become an active volunteer for Rosie's Trust.
3. Reduce meat and dairy consumption overall. Starting with a veggie January!
4. Establish a fitness routine.
5. Buy a house by myself.
6. Improve overall diet - REDUCE SUGAR!
7. Get a promotion/new job.
8. Read 12 books.
9. Explore creativity - sell your stuff at a craft fair.
10. Learn to switch off from social media/technology.
Sunday 7 August 2016
The inevitability of getting let down.
You'd always be there, but where are you now?
Over the last few days I have been having some very emotional discussions with people who I love and admire in equal measure. These people have shown incredible strength and grace, when they were faced with betrayal. In short they were let down by somebody who they allowed themselves to be vulnerable with.
Vulnerability is a hard thing to let yourself be. This only increases with age, as you meet more people and they break your trust. Once you let yourself be vulnerable, you knowingly give this person the chance to emotionally destroy you. You question every kind thing you did for them, every sacrifice you made and wonder why you allowed yourself to be betrayed.
You watch this person's life continue seemingly happily with no knowledge of what they have done to you. Sadly, outside of fiction we rarely get that apology we need and we have to somehow come to terms with the fact that this person won't realise the extent of their actions.
...and that's always going to be the risk. If you fall in love with somebody you fall as low as you were elated in the heights of your infatuation and joy. Some people are more loyal than their counterpart. One person's determination to conquer any obstacles does not make up for the others determination for personal success and convenience.
When that person makes that choice to ignore you, cheat on you, cut you from their life, blame you, insult you, leave you, physically abuse you, intimidate you or terrify you you don't get a say in their actions. You just have to deal with it, and try and let it not destroy you.
From experience all I can say it some days it will. As time goes on those days will be less frequent but they will still come and they will still be as hard to deal with. you'll wonder if it will ever stop hurting and honestly I am not there yet where I can confirm it. I really hope that it is.
Some days you're bitter, some days you're better.
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