You can't rely on the world to give or owe you anything. Anything it has given you; smarts, looks, a wealthy family was all out of your own control. I find when I get to a point in my life where everything I do seems to fail, I sit back and wait for the world to give me something. Even though I don't know what that something is.
Recently a few things have happened to me - very minor things- which has made me feel very ungrateful for what I do have in my life. However, as a consequence of this I feel like the more I try, the more I fail and the more I fail the more I refuse to try to change my life. I get into the defeatist thoughts of "I know it will fail because of the following factors...' To be honest I am pretty certain that all these thoughts are true.
I was with a friend who attempted to pick up my spirits by telling me of all these people he knew that have changed their lives. They have done this by taking risks in order to go off and be doctors or stay true to their massive passions, creative or otherwise. I sat and I listened and to be honest I didn't even want to say anything in return because I was so full of anger and bitterness. Mostly because it must be such a lovely reality to be able to finish the following sentence; 'I have always wanted to be a ____'
Unfortunately we all don't have the ability to finish the end of that sentence. I could have, at various points in my life finished it with nurse, podiatrist, writer, publisher/editor, but as you go through your life trying to achieve these, the reality of getting into those positions fade away for various reasons. Some within and some out of your control. Without the focus of either what you want to or what you can achieve you seem a bit lost and a bit embarrassed when you get into the familiar situation of 'Well what would you LIKE to do?'
We are brought up being told we can do anything, be anything. But we never think that just plainly isn't true. We can follow our dreams (if we have one) or we can go from job to job thinking it's pretty sh*t and everybody we seem to meet have these big ideals of when they become a musician/manager/CEO. Obviously those people don't understand that the rest of us want a 9 - 5 job so we can have a car and a house and be able to go to Nandos with our best friends or go to Streamvale farm with our boyfriends.
I don't have a dream job any more. I have hobbies which are unprofitable, I have friends and a boyfriend who are more successful than I am. Maybe one day that will change - maybe it won't. Throughout working/job hunting simultaneously I have realised that nothing gets you down like feeling you're wasting your life in a job you hate. And nothing gets you down further than having people around waiting for you to have a massive epiphany about how your going to change the world by working in a certain profession.
Things look bleak, I know that. Realistically they will probably get worse, and you will probably feel worse about them.
Statistically at one point or another, sooner or later - if you keep trying something has got to get better. So if I can, I am going to try to stop feeling so guilty and angry that I have no idea what I want to do with my life. If you are reading this and feel the same I hope there is some comfort in the fact that you are not alone.
I am now going to write a list about what I love about my life.
As I am sure I am currently overlooking it.
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