Being sad, and being honest.

Recently I have been feeling very restricted.  I feel like I cannot burst out of the metaphorical cage I am in; even though I see everybody else out of theirs.  I feel like I trying to run with a rubber cable strapped around my shoulders and I just..., well I just can't.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am sad.  I do not mean that in a sad poetry way or even a sad song way.  I feel that what I do feel is something that can only be cured my moving on much further than I feel I can; physically or otherwise.

Probably the least liberating fact amongst all of this is that I have absolutely nothing that should make me feel justifiably unhappy.  It is something which plants, and swells and sometimes shows on the outside.  It makes you weak and it makes you forget the wonder and beauty around you.

Sometimes I get the feeling that letting the sadness grow is somewhat inevitable.  Starting to neglect what always stood top in your priorities becomes completely normal and almost acceptable.  For example; ignoring all text messages, not even *thinking* to answer a phone call and dreading hearing footsteps outside your room door just in case the door handle moves.

And the more I thought about all of this, the more I felt like crying.  You read back on what you have wrote - or what you have said to others and you want to run back and help yourself - stop yourself.  But of course of you couldn't do it in the first place, how on earth would you be able to advise yourself against it.

My thoughts are jumbled and practically everything hits me where it shouldn't.

Then you wake up some day, you laugh and you love and you feel loved in return.  You don't think about the sadness because you don't feel it, not even traces of it.

Which makes it particularly difficult when you once again run head-first into the wall of sadness.  In self-deprecating defeat you watch as the invisible world laughs at you for ever thinking you were okay.  Which makes the fall all the more worse.

And the cycle continues, as does life going out without you.