1. You make things easier, and thank you for keeping my secret. ;)
2. Words cannot express my feelings for you, and sometimes I am not aware of them myself.  I wish I could tell you about all of this.  I wish I could put it all on you, but I am pretty sure it will only be to your detriment.  And to be honest I love you far too much for that to happen.
3. You supported me when I expected you to the least.  And I needed that.
4. You are the most loving person I have ever known.  I am scared nobody else will love me as much as you do.
5. I really hope you found happiness, I am sorry we had to go through what we went through - but I do think it was very important for both of us.

You see I've got this disease that I just can't shake.

When are all these red lights going to turn green?
When will I progress and lift my feet under the sinking sand?

And it's not much.

But it's a step in the right direction.

And you suddenly realise that you're by yourself,
but you're not alone.

But I'm a little different now.

I've been away for a few days there to Galway.  And although it was beautiful and relaxing I sort of escaped the idea that I'd have to return and do these shifts until 11pm where I'll watch the Lagan for an hour and instagram whilst trying to hup myself up on the blue painted box.

Life goes on as it always does and I almost forgot I'm not in control of that.  From now on I'm going to make lists.  And do these things, because even if nothing comes from these bullet points at least I'll have a tidy room and photographs that fully stick to my wall.

"You know you make me wanna try harder."

IOrdinary people.

The way I see it, there a million reasons to feel alone.  And living in the modern age where communication is so little through face-to-face contact it's getting easier to get swallowed up.

When your friends are far, and your family are fleeing it's pretty difficult to not throw the head up and accept your uttermost destiny may be sitting in your parents house eating melted chocolate and watching re-runs of the Simpson's.  When your job is shit, and there are more health problems cropping up everyday, you can get fed up using them as an excuse it can take everything not to just lose both hope and inspiration.

I think the key to not getting swallowed up is to have a focus.  Whether it's a solid goal like getting your degree, or a self-goal like surviving this weeks workload.  Without these it's easy to get engulfed and to not really see a way out.  So easy to get so snowed under in life's displays of what's wrong with your life - and what's wrong with you.

Regrettably I have not been a positive person as of late.  And although I have managed to survive to this point I'm not really proud of how I've got here.  But I am proud that I did get here.  It's going to take a hell of a lot of work in absolutely every area of my life.  But it's life - you can't let it's problems overshadow you.  You can't let the thought of other people overshadow you.

If you try and make yourself better by putting trying to put yourself above others you will not win.  I have definitely learned that this week.  By celebrating others you can learn to appreciate yourself.  Alternatively you can look on facebook and think how much prettier everybody else is, people who you don't have friended.  If we did this constantly, I can guarantee that we would not accomplish any happiness.

But it will get you to a cosy bit of your bed that you never want to leave.
And it will assure you that no matter what you do or achieve, it will never be enough

Oh life, and call centres.

Times goes by, no change.

Waiting for a break, emailed some places to do voluntary work.
Hoping something pulls through.

Positivity from now on.
Happy pills and happy faces.

A box full suggestions for your possible heart.

Trying to figure out life is what is getting me these days.

We end up clasping what we love, and to be honest it's quite hard not to completely disregard the rest. When you're tired and you don't know how to make things better it's so damn difficult to do the things hate, and put up with those things that won't seem to stop grating on you.

I wish I could be a bit more hopeful, and I was I could be a bit more proactive than I have been. I used to always think that if you were unhappy in life - you should change it, and what you can't change you should learn to accept. A lovely clean mantra which sorts everybody's lives right out... right? But sometimes what you can change has criteria. Sometimes what you want to change won't change immediately and even though you can try you've no affirmation that it'll ever change - no affirmation that things will ever get better or that you'll ever live in that dream you had from the moment you first heard that song that made you feel like you could be free.

When you've a life full of stuff you'd like to change - you can get mopey. You can think I don't like my job, I don't like where I live, I don't like the economy and I don't like all the negative things I hear that go on. I don't like that people get so old they can't do up their coat or wash their own dishes and I don't like that I can't change any of it. I don't like that innocent people are the most vulnerable and that vulnerability is almost always taken advantage of.

And suddenly your own problems of not seeing your friends enough and not being able to go to Japan with your curly haired boyfriend don't seem so big and bold. Is the fact that other people have it worse than us meant to make us feel worse or better?

No matter how much we try to change something - we have to pick something to change. Take charities, to make a difference we have to pick ONE to support. If we supported all then we wouldn't have money to live, think of the million charities - all needing support. Despite how we want to help - we have limited means.

Being limited is what's getting to me. I wish I could change the world, and not being able to change everything on a worldwide scale - and if I build this idea into the microcosm of my own life, it manages to share it's similarities. I feel like I've a million things to do, and countless things to change but being swamped with all of these makes it hard for me to change even one.

The only option really is to crawl out of the comfort you've made in your sorrow (for yourself) and one by one, try and change things. Stupid things like promising yourself you'll bake your cake instead of sitting on facebook for 2 hours can make a different. Asking for stuff you can't afford (nicely) for your birthday to ease the financial pressure. And most of all - stop giving yourself a hard time because everyone around you seems to be doing much better than you (this is the worst, and the least true!). If you ease the pressure you can do things without feeling immense pressure therefore enjoying what I like to call 'sorting your life out' and feeling like you achieved though things for yourself and not because you HAD to, or it was YOUR DUTY.

So the lesson is to breathe, spend time with those you love, do the things you love, find new things to love - and face those things you don't love with a positive attitude until you can change them or mould them into something new. And even though this sounds horribly cliched - you gotta learn to love yourself and feel like you're good enough.

And "You think after 22 years I'd be used to the spin."

And that's it.

If I ain't got something I don't give a damn, 'cause I got it with you.