Being sad, and being honest.

Recently I have been feeling very restricted.  I feel like I cannot burst out of the metaphorical cage I am in; even though I see everybody else out of theirs.  I feel like I trying to run with a rubber cable strapped around my shoulders and I just..., well I just can't.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am sad.  I do not mean that in a sad poetry way or even a sad song way.  I feel that what I do feel is something that can only be cured my moving on much further than I feel I can; physically or otherwise.

Probably the least liberating fact amongst all of this is that I have absolutely nothing that should make me feel justifiably unhappy.  It is something which plants, and swells and sometimes shows on the outside.  It makes you weak and it makes you forget the wonder and beauty around you.

Sometimes I get the feeling that letting the sadness grow is somewhat inevitable.  Starting to neglect what always stood top in your priorities becomes completely normal and almost acceptable.  For example; ignoring all text messages, not even *thinking* to answer a phone call and dreading hearing footsteps outside your room door just in case the door handle moves.

And the more I thought about all of this, the more I felt like crying.  You read back on what you have wrote - or what you have said to others and you want to run back and help yourself - stop yourself.  But of course of you couldn't do it in the first place, how on earth would you be able to advise yourself against it.

My thoughts are jumbled and practically everything hits me where it shouldn't.

Then you wake up some day, you laugh and you love and you feel loved in return.  You don't think about the sadness because you don't feel it, not even traces of it.

Which makes it particularly difficult when you once again run head-first into the wall of sadness.  In self-deprecating defeat you watch as the invisible world laughs at you for ever thinking you were okay.  Which makes the fall all the more worse.

And the cycle continues, as does life going out without you.

New Year, no new starts.

New Year often bring resolutions dictating that we will join gyms and eat grilled chicken salads for dinner.  About 97% of the public do not make it past the first week of the year without breaking this.  I don't agree with the 'New Year, new start' rubbish but I do believe in one thing - life goals.  When it comes to a perfect time I can think of no better than at the start of the year, gives you time to both plan and accomplish these goals.

I like to write mine down, and hopefully I will revisit these next year and be proud of the number of which I did achieve.

1. Travel out of NI at least twice - Once to Japan.
   
   This is something the last few years I have wanted to do and I really think this is the perfect time to do it.  I have started planning our Japan trip in 13th June, for just over 2 weeks and I am very excited (and nervous) about taking such a huge trip.  The other place I would like to visit this year possibly is France because I have never been and I want to see it so much.
2. Get a car.
3. Get a full time job I don't hate.
4. Finish Japanese Step 1 and Step 2.
5. Be more honest about my feelings.
6. Be more positive (even when things are hard)
7. Figure out where my career is going; masters/course/work experience etc, and put that plan into action.
8. Finish a novel. (Doesn't have to be edited)
9. Grow out my nail (properly including thumbnails!)

I would really like to revisit this in 2014 hopefully having achieved some of these thing or at least made steps towards most of them.

Thanks for reading.

The problem with books is...

I was walking with one of my best friends the other day and as he gave me a long speech about how ever since uni he has got into reading, I couldn't help think of how it had been the exact opposite for me.

Despite my favoured attitude these days being defeated and quiet I decided to actively try and do something about this.  Actively trying these days is difficult but Oh-so-necessary in order to both change your life and live it.

I guess another reason is because Perks was released in the cinema.  And although it wasn't great, it reminded me how it feels to read a book and feel like it's more a part of your world than some of the major things that are in it.

Love Always,
Janine.

Bitterness, and trying to make it to the other side.

You can't rely on the world to give or owe you anything.  Anything it has given you; smarts, looks, a wealthy family was all out of your own control.  I find when I get to a point in my life where everything I do seems to fail, I sit back and wait for the world to give me something.  Even though I don't know what that something is.

Recently a few things have happened to me - very minor things- which has made me feel very ungrateful for what I do have in my life.  However, as a consequence of this I feel like the more I try, the more I fail and the more I fail the more I refuse to try to change my life.  I get into the defeatist thoughts of "I know it will fail because of the following factors...'  To be honest I am pretty certain that all these thoughts are true.

I was with a friend who attempted to pick up my spirits by telling me of all these people he knew that have changed their lives.  They have done this by taking risks in order to go off and be doctors or stay true to their massive passions, creative or otherwise.  I sat and I listened and to be honest I didn't even want to say anything in return because I was so full of anger and bitterness.  Mostly because it must be such a lovely reality to be able to finish the following sentence; 'I have always wanted to be a ____'

Unfortunately we all don't have the ability to finish the end of that sentence.  I could have, at various points in my life finished it with nurse, podiatrist, writer, publisher/editor, but as you go through your life trying to achieve these,  the reality of getting into those positions fade away for various reasons.  Some within and some out of your control.  Without the focus of either what you want to or what you can achieve you seem a bit lost and a bit embarrassed when you get into the familiar situation of 'Well what would you LIKE to do?'

We are brought up being told we can do anything, be anything.  But we never think that just plainly isn't true. We can follow our dreams (if we have one) or we can go from job to job thinking it's pretty sh*t and everybody we seem to meet have these big ideals of when they become a musician/manager/CEO.  Obviously those people don't understand that the rest of us want a 9 - 5 job so we can have a car and a house and be able to go to Nandos with our best friends or go to Streamvale farm with our boyfriends.

I don't have a dream job any more.  I have hobbies which are unprofitable, I have friends and a boyfriend who are more successful than I am.  Maybe one day that will change - maybe it won't.  Throughout working/job hunting simultaneously I have realised that nothing gets you down like feeling you're wasting your life in a job you hate.  And nothing gets you down further than having people around waiting for you to have a massive epiphany about how your going to change the world by working in a certain profession.

Things look bleak, I know that.  Realistically they will probably get worse, and you will probably feel worse about them.

Statistically at one point or another, sooner or later - if you keep trying something has got to get better.  So if I can, I am going to try to stop feeling so guilty and angry that I have no idea what I want to do with my life.  If you are reading this and feel the same I hope there is some comfort in the fact that you are not alone.

I am now going to write a list about what I love about my life.
As I am sure I am currently overlooking it.

Teenage Mums, where is their license?

Bloggin isn't something I do very often except when I have a thought.  Today I have a few.  Even though my words are scrambled and somewhat incoherent I hope that whoever (if anyone) reads this will be glad that they are doing so.

Things have slowed down in recent days and I am at home listeing to Regina Specktor with an apricot fask mask that smells like I am the cleanest person in the world.  I can say that tonight I feel pretty content.

I was on the bus today returning from Brians house after hibernating there for 4 nights.  I encountered a mass of 3 teenage Mum's on the same bus as me.  Here is where my story starts;

First of all the bus driver had left the bus, so we were all waiting to get on the bus upon his return.  The two Mum's in particular responded respectfully to this by shouting to each other 'Where 'a fuck is the bus driver?'.  Meanwhile the two children were fight (both no older than three) and the Mums shout 'YOU GET OFF HIM' - but making no physical contact to remove either.  The youngest child - barely one then drops his dummy on the ground where there are cigarette butts and moulded sweets in a paste that the heavy rain has created.  He picks it up and puts it in his mouth slowly.  His mum who watched this whole affair then screamed at the child 'You shouldn't have done that!'  The child looks up at her and asks why.  Her response was 'because people were looking at you.'

The entire bus journey was the kids screaching, the older one shouting 'Fuck off you bitch' at his own mother, followed by various threat from his mother such as 'I am going to hurt you, son.'

I guess all this really makes me sad that you can have a child freely, but you gotta have a license to get a dog.

But it gets so cold here.

You warm up the coast with your smile; it's the most genuine thing that I have ever seen.

Take me with you.

Knowing yourself all too well.

Do you ever get that feeling that you know exactly how to bring yourself down, and you know exactly how to make yourself feel like nothing in this world or the next could pick you right back up again?

When anybody is going through some bad times the thing we want to do the most is too take their pain away and show them that they are loved and not alone.  But when we are feeling in that very pit ourselves and somebody asks "What can I do to help you?" it's hard to come up with anything that willl lift you up except for someone to lie there and accept you as you are and tell you that they are willing to listen to you rattle on about the same things that you always do.  So you rattle on and as much as you feel repetitive and sad, it does help - the acceptance helps.