Trying to figure out life is what is getting me these days.
We end up clasping what we love, and to be honest it's quite hard not to completely disregard the rest. When you're tired and you don't know how to make things better it's so damn difficult to do the things hate, and put up with those things that won't seem to stop grating on you.
I wish I could be a bit more hopeful, and I was I could be a bit more proactive than I have been. I used to always think that if you were unhappy in life - you should change it, and what you can't change you should learn to accept. A lovely clean mantra which sorts everybody's lives right out... right? But sometimes what you can change has criteria. Sometimes what you want to change won't change immediately and even though you can try you've no affirmation that it'll ever change - no affirmation that things will ever get better or that you'll ever live in that dream you had from the moment you first heard that song that made you feel like you could be free.
When you've a life full of stuff you'd like to change - you can get mopey. You can think I don't like my job, I don't like where I live, I don't like the economy and I don't like all the negative things I hear that go on. I don't like that people get so old they can't do up their coat or wash their own dishes and I don't like that I can't change any of it. I don't like that innocent people are the most vulnerable and that vulnerability is almost always taken advantage of.
And suddenly your own problems of not seeing your friends enough and not being able to go to Japan with your curly haired boyfriend don't seem so big and bold. Is the fact that other people have it worse than us meant to make us feel worse or better?
No matter how much we try to change something - we have to pick something to change. Take charities, to make a difference we have to pick ONE to support. If we supported all then we wouldn't have money to live, think of the million charities - all needing support. Despite how we want to help - we have limited means.
Being limited is what's getting to me. I wish I could change the world, and not being able to change everything on a worldwide scale - and if I build this idea into the microcosm of my own life, it manages to share it's similarities. I feel like I've a million things to do, and countless things to change but being swamped with all of these makes it hard for me to change even one.
The only option really is to crawl out of the comfort you've made in your sorrow (for yourself) and one by one, try and change things. Stupid things like promising yourself you'll bake your cake instead of sitting on facebook for 2 hours can make a different. Asking for stuff you can't afford (nicely) for your birthday to ease the financial pressure. And most of all - stop giving yourself a hard time because everyone around you seems to be doing much better than you (this is the worst, and the least true!). If you ease the pressure you can do things without feeling immense pressure therefore enjoying what I like to call 'sorting your life out' and feeling like you achieved though things for yourself and not because you HAD to, or it was YOUR DUTY.
So the lesson is to breathe, spend time with those you love, do the things you love, find new things to love - and face those things you don't love with a positive attitude until you can change them or mould them into something new. And even though this sounds horribly cliched - you gotta learn to love yourself and feel like you're good enough.
And "You think after 22 years I'd be used to the spin."
