The problem with books is...

I was walking with one of my best friends the other day and as he gave me a long speech about how ever since uni he has got into reading, I couldn't help think of how it had been the exact opposite for me.

Despite my favoured attitude these days being defeated and quiet I decided to actively try and do something about this.  Actively trying these days is difficult but Oh-so-necessary in order to both change your life and live it.

I guess another reason is because Perks was released in the cinema.  And although it wasn't great, it reminded me how it feels to read a book and feel like it's more a part of your world than some of the major things that are in it.

Love Always,
Janine.

Bitterness, and trying to make it to the other side.

You can't rely on the world to give or owe you anything.  Anything it has given you; smarts, looks, a wealthy family was all out of your own control.  I find when I get to a point in my life where everything I do seems to fail, I sit back and wait for the world to give me something.  Even though I don't know what that something is.

Recently a few things have happened to me - very minor things- which has made me feel very ungrateful for what I do have in my life.  However, as a consequence of this I feel like the more I try, the more I fail and the more I fail the more I refuse to try to change my life.  I get into the defeatist thoughts of "I know it will fail because of the following factors...'  To be honest I am pretty certain that all these thoughts are true.

I was with a friend who attempted to pick up my spirits by telling me of all these people he knew that have changed their lives.  They have done this by taking risks in order to go off and be doctors or stay true to their massive passions, creative or otherwise.  I sat and I listened and to be honest I didn't even want to say anything in return because I was so full of anger and bitterness.  Mostly because it must be such a lovely reality to be able to finish the following sentence; 'I have always wanted to be a ____'

Unfortunately we all don't have the ability to finish the end of that sentence.  I could have, at various points in my life finished it with nurse, podiatrist, writer, publisher/editor, but as you go through your life trying to achieve these,  the reality of getting into those positions fade away for various reasons.  Some within and some out of your control.  Without the focus of either what you want to or what you can achieve you seem a bit lost and a bit embarrassed when you get into the familiar situation of 'Well what would you LIKE to do?'

We are brought up being told we can do anything, be anything.  But we never think that just plainly isn't true. We can follow our dreams (if we have one) or we can go from job to job thinking it's pretty sh*t and everybody we seem to meet have these big ideals of when they become a musician/manager/CEO.  Obviously those people don't understand that the rest of us want a 9 - 5 job so we can have a car and a house and be able to go to Nandos with our best friends or go to Streamvale farm with our boyfriends.

I don't have a dream job any more.  I have hobbies which are unprofitable, I have friends and a boyfriend who are more successful than I am.  Maybe one day that will change - maybe it won't.  Throughout working/job hunting simultaneously I have realised that nothing gets you down like feeling you're wasting your life in a job you hate.  And nothing gets you down further than having people around waiting for you to have a massive epiphany about how your going to change the world by working in a certain profession.

Things look bleak, I know that.  Realistically they will probably get worse, and you will probably feel worse about them.

Statistically at one point or another, sooner or later - if you keep trying something has got to get better.  So if I can, I am going to try to stop feeling so guilty and angry that I have no idea what I want to do with my life.  If you are reading this and feel the same I hope there is some comfort in the fact that you are not alone.

I am now going to write a list about what I love about my life.
As I am sure I am currently overlooking it.

Teenage Mums, where is their license?

Bloggin isn't something I do very often except when I have a thought.  Today I have a few.  Even though my words are scrambled and somewhat incoherent I hope that whoever (if anyone) reads this will be glad that they are doing so.

Things have slowed down in recent days and I am at home listeing to Regina Specktor with an apricot fask mask that smells like I am the cleanest person in the world.  I can say that tonight I feel pretty content.

I was on the bus today returning from Brians house after hibernating there for 4 nights.  I encountered a mass of 3 teenage Mum's on the same bus as me.  Here is where my story starts;

First of all the bus driver had left the bus, so we were all waiting to get on the bus upon his return.  The two Mum's in particular responded respectfully to this by shouting to each other 'Where 'a fuck is the bus driver?'.  Meanwhile the two children were fight (both no older than three) and the Mums shout 'YOU GET OFF HIM' - but making no physical contact to remove either.  The youngest child - barely one then drops his dummy on the ground where there are cigarette butts and moulded sweets in a paste that the heavy rain has created.  He picks it up and puts it in his mouth slowly.  His mum who watched this whole affair then screamed at the child 'You shouldn't have done that!'  The child looks up at her and asks why.  Her response was 'because people were looking at you.'

The entire bus journey was the kids screaching, the older one shouting 'Fuck off you bitch' at his own mother, followed by various threat from his mother such as 'I am going to hurt you, son.'

I guess all this really makes me sad that you can have a child freely, but you gotta have a license to get a dog.

But it gets so cold here.

You warm up the coast with your smile; it's the most genuine thing that I have ever seen.

Take me with you.

Knowing yourself all too well.

Do you ever get that feeling that you know exactly how to bring yourself down, and you know exactly how to make yourself feel like nothing in this world or the next could pick you right back up again?

When anybody is going through some bad times the thing we want to do the most is too take their pain away and show them that they are loved and not alone.  But when we are feeling in that very pit ourselves and somebody asks "What can I do to help you?" it's hard to come up with anything that willl lift you up except for someone to lie there and accept you as you are and tell you that they are willing to listen to you rattle on about the same things that you always do.  So you rattle on and as much as you feel repetitive and sad, it does help - the acceptance helps.

1. You make things easier, and thank you for keeping my secret. ;)
2. Words cannot express my feelings for you, and sometimes I am not aware of them myself.  I wish I could tell you about all of this.  I wish I could put it all on you, but I am pretty sure it will only be to your detriment.  And to be honest I love you far too much for that to happen.
3. You supported me when I expected you to the least.  And I needed that.
4. You are the most loving person I have ever known.  I am scared nobody else will love me as much as you do.
5. I really hope you found happiness, I am sorry we had to go through what we went through - but I do think it was very important for both of us.

You see I've got this disease that I just can't shake.

When are all these red lights going to turn green?
When will I progress and lift my feet under the sinking sand?

And it's not much.

But it's a step in the right direction.

And you suddenly realise that you're by yourself,
but you're not alone.

But I'm a little different now.

I've been away for a few days there to Galway.  And although it was beautiful and relaxing I sort of escaped the idea that I'd have to return and do these shifts until 11pm where I'll watch the Lagan for an hour and instagram whilst trying to hup myself up on the blue painted box.

Life goes on as it always does and I almost forgot I'm not in control of that.  From now on I'm going to make lists.  And do these things, because even if nothing comes from these bullet points at least I'll have a tidy room and photographs that fully stick to my wall.

"You know you make me wanna try harder."

IOrdinary people.

The way I see it, there a million reasons to feel alone.  And living in the modern age where communication is so little through face-to-face contact it's getting easier to get swallowed up.

When your friends are far, and your family are fleeing it's pretty difficult to not throw the head up and accept your uttermost destiny may be sitting in your parents house eating melted chocolate and watching re-runs of the Simpson's.  When your job is shit, and there are more health problems cropping up everyday, you can get fed up using them as an excuse it can take everything not to just lose both hope and inspiration.

I think the key to not getting swallowed up is to have a focus.  Whether it's a solid goal like getting your degree, or a self-goal like surviving this weeks workload.  Without these it's easy to get engulfed and to not really see a way out.  So easy to get so snowed under in life's displays of what's wrong with your life - and what's wrong with you.

Regrettably I have not been a positive person as of late.  And although I have managed to survive to this point I'm not really proud of how I've got here.  But I am proud that I did get here.  It's going to take a hell of a lot of work in absolutely every area of my life.  But it's life - you can't let it's problems overshadow you.  You can't let the thought of other people overshadow you.

If you try and make yourself better by putting trying to put yourself above others you will not win.  I have definitely learned that this week.  By celebrating others you can learn to appreciate yourself.  Alternatively you can look on facebook and think how much prettier everybody else is, people who you don't have friended.  If we did this constantly, I can guarantee that we would not accomplish any happiness.

But it will get you to a cosy bit of your bed that you never want to leave.
And it will assure you that no matter what you do or achieve, it will never be enough

Oh life, and call centres.

Times goes by, no change.

Waiting for a break, emailed some places to do voluntary work.
Hoping something pulls through.

Positivity from now on.
Happy pills and happy faces.