I've been most unwilling to see this turmoil of mine.

If you want to, I am game.

It's so warm. I'm wearing my new dress. My room is a mess, I've finally had a wash and my clothes are lying all around my house. But Saturday night and Sunday morning were pretty much the best times I've had and I'm not really willing to come down from them.

Soft.

'Cause I'm growing up so fast.

Growing up is often seen as a nostalgia which people dread. The encroaching future causes it to shy away and we're left with responsibilities - jobs, relationships and real life. And I guess it is scary. Whatever we do in life we have our comforts which keep us warm until we're ready to move on, or we keep elements of our past so the future doesn't seem so far away from the past that we know.

Now that university is over I've been thinking about my comforts. The things I hold on to, and things I like to feel secure about. And I think these things are pretty universal;

1. Your home. Although I rant and give off about still living in my family home since I've returned from uni, it's not until I'm having a bad day that I learn to appreciate it. The security of your old room, all your photos, your old bed and all your favourite books and movies stacked up on a shelf that gives your own sense of identity a place to rest. But sooner or later, as young adults - we'll leave. We'll move out for a little while or forever with our friends and eventually our husbands and wives (if you choose you live your life that way)


2. Your friends. Although they do flit in and out of your life. When things get melty, or boring we like to have the security of being able to lean on the people closest to us to feel less alone. My friends mostly hear me ranting about life, and I think without the ability for me to do that I'd completely lose it in other areas of my life.


3. Your family. Even if you shout at them more than anybody else.


4. A relationship. Something secure, something that's not going to let you down.

I've been thinking about the securities that I have, and the securities I want. None of your securities are flawless and at times they may be close to gone, but sometimes all you just need is one of them to pull through. Just one of them to give you the motivation to remind yourself how great you have it.

...And it's nice not to be so alone.

To thine own self be true.

But you gotta believe in yourself,

when everybody else are very busy looking after themselves.

I just wanna be happy.

The above is a picture of me. I have turned into a fifty-year old woman, knitting scarfs, driving to buy wool, stitching cushion covers and having conversations with people at least twice my age. If I'm not doing any of these things I'm playing pokemon white on the DS, watching LOST or using social networking sites.

Things I am not doing;

1. Getting employed.


2. Hanging out with my best friends.


3. Going outside.


4. Getting married.

Through writing this blog entry he text me saying 'I can't wait until we're married and have a Mario wedding cake (It will have 4 tiers going from underground, water, normal then sky with us on the top.)' But I can't help thinking how very nice it would be to have a friend - I would like that even more than a date.

Love,

Janine. (Or Sadie)

But it's never going to be me, is it?

Argh, having one of those contemplative - mind into overdrive, I can't stop thinking about the little things people have said. Cyptic messages, looking at was hasn't been said, what hasn't been done. It's driving me absolsutely insane.

Work is winding me up. My friends are a million miles away. Job applications are slowing. And I think today I kinda just hit the 'I'm running out of steam' stage. With all your good days and moments you feel so inspired comes the days you feel like you'll never really accomplish anything. You feel like everything you done and worked for has largely been for nothing and nobody really appreciates it.

But I'll take his advice and push on;

"Chin up, nose up, bum dry."