Recently I was described as Joy from Inside Out in my workplace and it got me thinking about how others perceive me as a person.
I never would have thought I was a particularly optimistic or positive person. Having struggled pretty intensely from depression and anxiety I always perceived myself as a fairly realistic person who is grounded in the realisation that things aren't always brilliant and the notions of self-hatred and lack of motivation are far too familiar to me. The idea that those around me thought of me as a positive person really stuck me and I was instantly happily surprised by their judgement.
I definitely think part of being a happy or positive person is based on your main environments. Where do you spend most of your time? If it's somewhere that makes you droop at the thought of it then you need to work to change that. Sometimes doing this is impossible or a certain length of time needs to pass before you can get out of that. I have been in jobs that I felt my motivation for life was completely sucked out of me and I accepted the misery and it was so hard for me to get out of that environment.
A few years back something happened in my life and the shock and betrayal left me unmotivated for life. I had no interest in anything I used to love, my main motivations were now empty spaces and I was left wondering "what's the point". I kept thinking the years before that were the best years of my life and now my cogs wouldn't work and I had lost the ability to enjoy anything. I had given up on maintaining anything I had because even if things got better I had already had my good time in the sun.
Looking back now I realise that I may have felt the sun but the pool was full of bugs and all the chemicals in pool were damaging my skin. I was not as happy as I thought I was - I was living a complete lie and ignoring all the shitty things because I had one seemingingly good thing. Ultimately the one thing I had I felt was good enough to ignore the festering mess amongst it. I was surface happy, but I was not well-rounded, independent, mentally well, or even very charitable.
It turns out the good thing I had was a very very convincing fake and I beat myself up for a long time for falling for the fake and not maintaining the rest of my life. I did not pick up myself up in a day, a month or a year. It was literally years and whether or not I will fully be picked up is unknown but know my happiness is real and it is spread on all parts and people in my life.
When a shitty thing happens in life people say you give up or you move on. I think that depends on the day, it depends on your mental health, your support network, your healthcare system and it depends on if you can realise you deserve more than fake happiness and one shiny penny in an otherwise empty purse.
I know I am using too many crap metaphors but spilling my personal life online is not something I want to get in the habit of doing!
So back to my initial thoughts on happiness and joy. I feel like happy and thankfulness should be on equal power. If you are happy you have something you need to maintain it. If you lose your fake happiness don't seek to replace it and for god sake do not go looking for it in the place that you lost it.
Happiness to me is stroking Marley after a walk, reading a letter into work saying we saved their lives, my car getting me home, waking up to a new day where I don't hate myself and I am not embarrassed of myself. Being kind to myself was the hardest thing but it leads to being kind for others and leading a life where you can be proud of what you put into the world rather than what you have to show for it.
For me, neither joy or happiness comes easily. Everything that makes me happy I have had to work hard to maintain but the fact I have these things and people in my life makes me grateful and happy. The fact I don't live in fear makes me happy.
The fact that self-recovery is possible makes me happy and thankful I did not give up, because I have so damn much to live for.
Janine "Joy" Cousins
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