And if you're wondering what next year looks like...

A year on reflection.

I remember this time last year being in a pretty dark place, an even darker place than I'd been in the previous year and a half. I was severely lost and had nobody around me that was planning to stick with me, apart from my family of course.

I'd broken up with my boyfriend of six months, and I was finally free of the people I'd be longing to escape from. I was on the edge of new possibility, and with my first university choice being Queens University, a choice which wasn't mine - I felt like I'd continue on this road.

I knew if I went to that university I'd still be exactly the same person one year on. I'd have lived in the same place, same friends (or lack of) same everything really and I so badly craved change. I was never as blessed than the day I found out that I wouldn't be going to Queens, I'd be moving out of my house and into a new life.

Initially I was even more scared than before and I felt unbelievably unsafe. I had no netting below me and there was so much before me I'd never experienced. It was something I'd always wanted top do but never thought I would.

As time came close to the big move, I became less scared and more excited about what I was about to go into.

At first it wasn't easy. I was living with three girls - my worst nightmare. One of which bullied me basically the whole year, the other which followed the bully. The remaining housemate alienated herself and later moved out with allegations of sectarianism from the bully of the house.

Despite all this I remained optimistic. Aside from the people I lived with, everybody I met were lovely, genuine fun people. The people that are in TV shows and in books of literature. I found solace in the friends I found.

I found a best friend. A boy who played computer games and sat up late at night with me talking about life and what we wanted to achieve. We could laugh, and cry and be angry together. Of course there were obstacles, but we overcame them all and we were always so strong in our friendship that nothing shook us. We're those people whose names gel together as we do everything together.

I found a boyfriend. A boy who had long hair and played electric guitar. We started off rocky and got smoother and we went on, usually it's the other way round! He got on with said best friend and we could all sit together all day watching movies and cooking dinner like everything I ever wanted. He kissed me until the morning light and we had the best time of our lives.

I found more friends who give me such a sense of belonging and well being. We went to many parties, and met more people than I knew existed. Everyday was a new adventure and nothing could break us apart. We went out and the music was so loud it was like all our heartbeats beating together.

I've laughed until I couldn't breathe on the floor a million times with so many different people, and it's scary to think that I'd not have met these people if I hadn't of stepped out and found them by myself. I relied on myself and what I could do, and I reaped the benefits.

I am so thankful I met these people, and I am so glad that one year on I am a completely developed person. I have grown in confidence and in faith. I have learned about friendship and relationships. I've let go of my past and held onto future prospects.

Best year ever.

Fat mice make me happy.

Matching photographs.

I'm finding that more and more,

All I want to do is to look people straight in the eye and just say

''GROW UP.''

I know how you feel if,

• You've been let down by every single friend you were depending on at exactly the same time.
• You've failed and failed over and over again that you're the only one left that believes in you.
• You've been spat on by Christains, claiming to be doing the Lords work.
• You've been in the loser crowd in school.
• You've filled your mind with literature so you can feel somebody elses pain as if it's your own.
• You've been victimised, by the victims.
• You only learned to love yourself when nobody else thought you were worth it.
• You were always the one who got the 'bad luck'; braces, ashma, health problems, hospital stays for weeks.
• You were a late bloomer and used to lie about your experience with the opposite sex when you'd really not even held a hand.
• You took out all your anger on your Mum to find out she was always the most loyal to you.
• You've been replaced multiple times by a so-called 'best friend'
• You were told you could never do it, but worked hard to prove yourself right.
• You have dreams which you're not even sure how to accomplish.
• You were always the ugly one, always.
• You were always second best.

The past was never that kind to me. This year, I had the best year of my life and I wouldn't have changed anything about it. I really believe that that was because of what I'd went through in my past which made me know what I want, and what I don't want.

If any of these apply to you, then remember you're never, ever, ever alone.
And if you feel like you are look up and remember that you're always loved, and that the earth was never any good to the one who deserved it most.

.

...and today I felt like I was absolutely nowhere.

The Past.

I'm the most emotional person I've ever met. I get upset, I dwell, I overreact, I have feelings about everything and I get offended over nothing. I get hurt at nothing, and the least little thing can absolutely make my day. It's a vulnerable position to put yourself in and not one you can simply walk out of.

Today after Church I went to tea with two of my friends and we talked for 2 hours over bagels, french toast and raspberry scones. I figured out how much I'd taken these people for granted. We spoke about so many different things. We were talking about struggle and success, missionary work, future plans, heartbreak, feeling like a failure, and everything in between. I suddenly realised how great these people were, and I was pretty mad at myself for not relishing in their good intentions and shining hearts.

I came home and got talking to my Mum about some of these things. I was talking about a particular struggle of mine that never fails to put me into tears. She was talking with comfort but it all just upset me more. She stopped, looked at me straight in the
eye and said

''You can't live in the past, you can't even think about the past. The past will eat you up, and if you let it, it will always bring you down.''

I knew she was right and I continued to cry automatically,m even thought I felt better, and I felt unbelievably lucky to have such great people in my life. People who can not judge on mistakes, failures or poor judgment. People who delight in you because of who you are rather than what you've done.

I think today was a breakthrough in many ways. I realised how much I missed a lot of people, and how much I can get out of life by trusting in the trustworthy.

If I'm honest, sometimes I think about a best friend too far away from me and that's enough to make me feel like they'll never be beside me again. I find solace in the face I can text them, or phone them and realise that they'll always be beside me. I believe some of them will, and especially one of them will always be calling me a moose and telling me to wind my neck in - even if I'm 45 and my daughter is bringing home her too old-for-her boyfriend.

Sometimes letting go is the easiest thing to say. The easiest way to do is to look at what you have, and what you will have. Concentrate on your goals in a way that pushes you forward for want of success instead of a mind full of regrets which pull you backwards.

I miss you all, but I'll be with you soon.
I miss you so much I can't even tell you.