Depression and what helps me.

Despite a minor episode in the month I am happy to report that my depression all in all has been pretty good.  Sadly for some people around me they have been going through a tough time and although it's difficult to watch I passed on what sometimes can help me.

I then thought that in the pit of depression, where motivation is lost and the only appealing thought is to sleep and/or dissolve I have no idea what to do to bring myself out of the depths.

Talking to a friend he described how depression felt to him.  He said depression is the width and depth of the metaphorical hole beneath him.  Some days there was no hole and he could just walk on and there was no hole.  On a different day he might wake up and it just takes a little effort to get himself out of the hole.  Some days the hole was so deep he could barely see the sky above him and it wasn't wide enough for him to get out at all.

My hole seems to mostly be a step out one these days which I am very grateful for.

A list of things that can sometimes (definitely not always) make me feel better when in a depressive episode;

• Sleep.  
• A tidy environment.
• Tidying the environment.
• Seeing dogs.
• Walking dogs - currently Marley and Snoopy.
• Going on a drive to somewhere by the sea.
• Checking in with friends and if I feel so bad I can't see them just let them know I am having a tough time with depression incase they think I am ignoring them.
• Making healthy meals and freezing batches.
• Clearing out/organising my room/car/kitchen/bathroom.
• Donating unwanted possessions to charity.
• Bringing out Amy or Lauren for dinner.
• Having a productive bath (shaving, face mask, washing hair)
• Being creative - making origami, bath bombs etc.
• Having an honest chat to somebody who will listen about how I feel and feeling no judgement and not getting a list of solutions.
• Drinking lots of water.
• Lighting a candle in a clean room.
• Writing about how I feel - and not publishing it or showing it to anyone.
• Playing guitar.
• Watch an all-time favourite movie like Thumbalina.
• Cry, a lot and tire yourself out so you can sleep and wake feeling better.
• Excercise - yoga especially
• Herbal tea.
• Sex.
• Comfy jammies.
• Being Cosy.
• Plan a new adventure/holiday.
• Literally crying on somebody who cares enough to let you.
• Taking your own space, your own time and remembering to not feel guilty for feeling feelings.
• Escapism - play a game, watch youtube videos.
• Visit Marley - look at the love in his eyes as he manically licks your face.

This could be useless but it's worth a shot.

Joy or Sadness

Recently I was described as Joy from Inside Out in my workplace and it got me thinking about how others perceive me as a person.

I never would have thought I was a particularly optimistic or positive person.  Having struggled pretty intensely from depression and anxiety I always perceived myself as a fairly realistic person who is grounded in the realisation that things aren't always brilliant and the notions of self-hatred and lack of motivation are far too familiar to me.  The idea that those around me thought of me as a positive person really stuck me and I was instantly happily surprised by their judgement.

I definitely think part of being a happy or positive person is based on your main environments.  Where do you spend most of your time? If it's somewhere that makes you droop at the thought of it then you need to work to change that.  Sometimes doing this is impossible or a certain length of time needs to pass before you can get out of that.  I have been in jobs that I felt my motivation for life was completely sucked out of me and I accepted the misery and it was so hard for me to get out of that environment.

A few years back something happened in my life and the shock and betrayal left me unmotivated for life.  I had no interest in anything I used to love, my main motivations were now empty spaces and I was left wondering "what's the point".  I kept thinking the years before that were the best years of my life and now my cogs wouldn't work and I had lost the ability to enjoy anything. I had given up on maintaining anything I had because even if things got better I had already had my good time in the sun.

Looking back now I realise that I may have felt the sun but the pool was full of bugs and all the chemicals in pool were damaging my skin. I was not as happy as I thought I was - I was living a complete lie and ignoring all the shitty things because I had one seemingingly good thing.  Ultimately the one thing I had I felt was good enough to ignore the festering mess amongst it.  I was surface happy, but I was not well-rounded, independent, mentally well, or even very charitable.

It turns out the good thing I had was a very very convincing fake and I beat myself up for a long time for falling for the fake and not maintaining the rest of my life.  I did not pick up myself up in a day, a month or a year.  It was literally years and whether or not I will fully be picked up is unknown but know my happiness is real and it is spread on all parts and people in my life.

When a shitty thing happens in life people say you give up or you move on.  I think that depends on the day, it depends on your mental health, your support network, your healthcare system and it depends on if you can realise you deserve more than fake happiness and one shiny penny in an otherwise empty purse.

I know I am using too many crap metaphors but spilling my personal life online is not something I want to get in the habit of doing!

So back to my initial thoughts on happiness and joy.  I feel like happy and thankfulness should be on equal power.  If you are happy you have something you need to maintain it.  If you lose your fake happiness don't seek to replace it and for god sake do not go looking for it in the place that you lost it. 

Happiness to me is stroking Marley after a walk, reading a letter into work saying we saved their lives, my car getting me home, waking up to a new day where I don't hate myself and I am not embarrassed of myself.  Being kind to myself was the hardest thing but it leads to being kind for others and leading a life where you can be proud of what you put into the world rather than what you have to show for it.

For me, neither joy or happiness comes easily.  Everything that makes me happy I have had to work hard to maintain but the fact I have these things and people in my life makes me grateful and happy.  The fact I don't live in fear makes me happy.

The fact that self-recovery is possible makes me happy and thankful I did not give up, because I have so damn much to live for.

Janine "Joy" Cousins

Life update.

It's mid May and things are pretty great. I feel like I'm doing a lot more varied things with my time and making progress on all of those resolutions I blogged about at the start of the year!

I have been spending lots of my time walking dogs which has been great. Marley is 6 and half months old and he is such a delight.  He can sit, give paw and lie down.  He rarely barks and when he does it's because he is excited or confused, but never in anger.  We have been to all the parks over Belfast and he has met all my friends and family and they all adore him which is lovely to see.

The other dog I have been spending time with is Snoopy.  Snoopy is a 10 year old Yorkie who I got paired with now that I am a volunteer with Rosie's Trust.  I am walking her twice a week which is nice although I get less freedom with her as I can't take him off the lead or walk her when I feel like it due to having to stick with the rota.  She is very friendly and affectionate with people but not so much with other dogs and she can sometimes bark.  Her owner Mr Bell is lovely too and doing something charitable makes me feel useful which is definitely nice to feel.

I have been playing Persona 5 a lot and barely watching TV now that GIRLS has ended but I am enjoying watching The Handmaid's Tale and I think it's truely ground-breaking TV.  

I have managed to fit relatively fit with dog walking and also going to the gym at least once a week.  At the minute this is usually yoga class or weight training but anything that increases my level of fitness is welcomed at this point.  It's around £28 a month which is managable and means if I have nothing to do I can hop off to the gym without having to pay to do another activity.

I am trying to spend my time doing free activites in order to save as much as possible for a house which I am really hoping to get this year.  Turns out finding a house less than 90 grand, in a nice area in East/South Belfast, with 2 bedrooms, decent kitchen, bathroom with bath and needing no major renovation is difficult.  Every month I get closer though and I don't wanna settle for something just to have my own place so patience is key.

Travelling-wise I am currently looking at going to Dubrovnik, Croatia.  Paul and I are thinking of going for a week and I have found this sweet apartment right at the beach with a patio balcony.  The trip for a week (flights and accomodation) is looking about £400 so it won't be too hard on the purse strings either.

Work is good too and I love my job and the people I work with.  Ideally yes I want a better salary but I don't want to sacrifice my happiness for a better wage so I am being picky for what I am applying for.  I managed to get a pay raise for the last year so I am definitely happy about that.

The rest of my time is typically spent with my family and my friends.  I have made new friend in Erin  (a Canadian who temped at Action Cancer) and I continue to keep close friendships with Gerald, Paul, Nikki, Amy, Lauren and the girls from work. 

All in all, life is good - 10/10, would live again.

JPC

2016 revisited, 2017 goals.

Happy New Year and welcome to a far too late blogpost about the New year Goals.

Let's start with the goals for last year and see how well I did.


1.  Move out. - PROGRESS
If you don't do any of the rest of the list do this one.  Get a house share, move in with friends or if you get really lucky get your own place.  I will be so proud of you!
Although I did not do this I decided I am now looking for a house of my own and I have saved a lot of money and got a Help to Buy ISA to help me along the way.  I have been house hunting for over 6 months, viewed many and even put an offer on!
2. Learn to make something new. - DONE
In 2015 I started making bath bombs and other basic cosmetics.  Learn how to do more, maybe candles?  Be creative!
This year I expanded my creative skills with card and flower making and did homemade Christmas cards and gifts and signed up for a craft fair to sell my handmade things.
3. READ. 12 books a year. - FAIL
I am recycling this goal from last year but it's achievable and we can definitely do it.
Definitely did not make this a priority, but I'm not too upset - I did a lot!
4.  Take care of your mental health. - DONE
You know what I mean for this one.  Take care of yourself and put it as a priority.  Even over moving out!
100% yes, completed counselling and got myself in a new place mentally. Very proud.
5. Look after dogs. - DONE
You can't have one but keep looking after them whether it be through borrowmydoggy or visiting Lauren and bringing her and her dogs out for a good walk.
Yes, a continued relationship with Lauren.  Plus registering as a volunteer for Rosie's Trust.
6. Eat less meat. - DONE
In the month of January I have tried to limit meat to one meal a day.  I'd like to continue this to strive to be healthier and try more vegetable based meals.
Yes!  Meat is less of a priority and I definitely eat less and I think it's made me healthier.
7. Don't hoard your LUSH stuff - use it! - DONE
Yes! 100%.
8.  Go and see as many plays as you can and want to! - DONE
Yes! This year I seen; In The Heights, Sister Act, The Last Five Years (London), Kinky Boots, Footloose and Little Shop of Horror.
9. Dye your hair back to it's natural colour - and back if you hate it! - DONE
I did it, I hated it, I am back to normal. :P
10. Look into Invisalign, have a consultation and see if it is affordable. - FAIL
I did not.

Additional achievements;
- Travelled alone to Budapest.
- Completed Chiropractic treatment to help shoulder pain.

2017 Goals

1. Travel to at least three new places outside of the UK. (Currently two booked)
2. Become an active volunteer for Rosie's Trust.
3. Reduce meat and dairy consumption overall. Starting with a veggie January!
4. Establish a fitness routine.
5. Buy a house by myself.
6. Improve overall diet - REDUCE SUGAR!
7. Get a promotion/new job.
8. Read 12 books.
9. Explore creativity - sell your stuff at a craft fair.
10. Learn to switch off from social media/technology.