Recently I was described as Joy from Inside Out in my workplace and it got me thinking about how others perceive me as a person.
I never would have thought I was a particularly optimistic or positive person. Having struggled pretty intensely from depression and anxiety I always perceived myself as a fairly realistic person who is grounded in the realisation that things aren't always brilliant and the notions of self-hatred and lack of motivation are far too familiar to me. The idea that those around me thought of me as a positive person really stuck me and I was instantly happily surprised by their judgement.
I definitely think part of being a happy or positive person is based on your main environments. Where do you spend most of your time? If it's somewhere that makes you droop at the thought of it then you need to work to change that. Sometimes doing this is impossible or a certain length of time needs to pass before you can get out of that. I have been in jobs that I felt my motivation for life was completely sucked out of me and I accepted the misery and it was so hard for me to get out of that environment.
A few years back something happened in my life and the shock and betrayal left me unmotivated for life. I had no interest in anything I used to love, my main motivations were now empty spaces and I was left wondering "what's the point". I kept thinking the years before that were the best years of my life and now my cogs wouldn't work and I had lost the ability to enjoy anything. I had given up on maintaining anything I had because even if things got better I had already had my good time in the sun.
Looking back now I realise that I may have felt the sun but the pool was full of bugs and all the chemicals in pool were damaging my skin. I was not as happy as I thought I was - I was living a complete lie and ignoring all the shitty things because I had one seemingingly good thing. Ultimately the one thing I had I felt was good enough to ignore the festering mess amongst it. I was surface happy, but I was not well-rounded, independent, mentally well, or even very charitable.
It turns out the good thing I had was a very very convincing fake and I beat myself up for a long time for falling for the fake and not maintaining the rest of my life. I did not pick up myself up in a day, a month or a year. It was literally years and whether or not I will fully be picked up is unknown but know my happiness is real and it is spread on all parts and people in my life.
When a shitty thing happens in life people say you give up or you move on. I think that depends on the day, it depends on your mental health, your support network, your healthcare system and it depends on if you can realise you deserve more than fake happiness and one shiny penny in an otherwise empty purse.
I know I am using too many crap metaphors but spilling my personal life online is not something I want to get in the habit of doing!
So back to my initial thoughts on happiness and joy. I feel like happy and thankfulness should be on equal power. If you are happy you have something you need to maintain it. If you lose your fake happiness don't seek to replace it and for god sake do not go looking for it in the place that you lost it.
Happiness to me is stroking Marley after a walk, reading a letter into work saying we saved their lives, my car getting me home, waking up to a new day where I don't hate myself and I am not embarrassed of myself. Being kind to myself was the hardest thing but it leads to being kind for others and leading a life where you can be proud of what you put into the world rather than what you have to show for it.
For me, neither joy or happiness comes easily. Everything that makes me happy I have had to work hard to maintain but the fact I have these things and people in my life makes me grateful and happy. The fact I don't live in fear makes me happy.
The fact that self-recovery is possible makes me happy and thankful I did not give up, because I have so damn much to live for.
Janine "Joy" Cousins
Tuesday, 16 May 2017
Life update.
It's mid May and things are pretty great. I feel like I'm doing a lot more varied things with my time and making progress on all of those resolutions I blogged about at the start of the year!
I have been spending lots of my time walking dogs which has been great. Marley is 6 and half months old and he is such a delight. He can sit, give paw and lie down. He rarely barks and when he does it's because he is excited or confused, but never in anger. We have been to all the parks over Belfast and he has met all my friends and family and they all adore him which is lovely to see.
The other dog I have been spending time with is Snoopy. Snoopy is a 10 year old Yorkie who I got paired with now that I am a volunteer with Rosie's Trust. I am walking her twice a week which is nice although I get less freedom with her as I can't take him off the lead or walk her when I feel like it due to having to stick with the rota. She is very friendly and affectionate with people but not so much with other dogs and she can sometimes bark. Her owner Mr Bell is lovely too and doing something charitable makes me feel useful which is definitely nice to feel.
I have been playing Persona 5 a lot and barely watching TV now that GIRLS has ended but I am enjoying watching The Handmaid's Tale and I think it's truely ground-breaking TV.
I have managed to fit relatively fit with dog walking and also going to the gym at least once a week. At the minute this is usually yoga class or weight training but anything that increases my level of fitness is welcomed at this point. It's around £28 a month which is managable and means if I have nothing to do I can hop off to the gym without having to pay to do another activity.
I am trying to spend my time doing free activites in order to save as much as possible for a house which I am really hoping to get this year. Turns out finding a house less than 90 grand, in a nice area in East/South Belfast, with 2 bedrooms, decent kitchen, bathroom with bath and needing no major renovation is difficult. Every month I get closer though and I don't wanna settle for something just to have my own place so patience is key.
Travelling-wise I am currently looking at going to Dubrovnik, Croatia. Paul and I are thinking of going for a week and I have found this sweet apartment right at the beach with a patio balcony. The trip for a week (flights and accomodation) is looking about £400 so it won't be too hard on the purse strings either.
Work is good too and I love my job and the people I work with. Ideally yes I want a better salary but I don't want to sacrifice my happiness for a better wage so I am being picky for what I am applying for. I managed to get a pay raise for the last year so I am definitely happy about that.
The rest of my time is typically spent with my family and my friends. I have made new friend in Erin (a Canadian who temped at Action Cancer) and I continue to keep close friendships with Gerald, Paul, Nikki, Amy, Lauren and the girls from work.
All in all, life is good - 10/10, would live again.
JPC
I have been spending lots of my time walking dogs which has been great. Marley is 6 and half months old and he is such a delight. He can sit, give paw and lie down. He rarely barks and when he does it's because he is excited or confused, but never in anger. We have been to all the parks over Belfast and he has met all my friends and family and they all adore him which is lovely to see.
The other dog I have been spending time with is Snoopy. Snoopy is a 10 year old Yorkie who I got paired with now that I am a volunteer with Rosie's Trust. I am walking her twice a week which is nice although I get less freedom with her as I can't take him off the lead or walk her when I feel like it due to having to stick with the rota. She is very friendly and affectionate with people but not so much with other dogs and she can sometimes bark. Her owner Mr Bell is lovely too and doing something charitable makes me feel useful which is definitely nice to feel.
I have been playing Persona 5 a lot and barely watching TV now that GIRLS has ended but I am enjoying watching The Handmaid's Tale and I think it's truely ground-breaking TV.
I have managed to fit relatively fit with dog walking and also going to the gym at least once a week. At the minute this is usually yoga class or weight training but anything that increases my level of fitness is welcomed at this point. It's around £28 a month which is managable and means if I have nothing to do I can hop off to the gym without having to pay to do another activity.
I am trying to spend my time doing free activites in order to save as much as possible for a house which I am really hoping to get this year. Turns out finding a house less than 90 grand, in a nice area in East/South Belfast, with 2 bedrooms, decent kitchen, bathroom with bath and needing no major renovation is difficult. Every month I get closer though and I don't wanna settle for something just to have my own place so patience is key.
Travelling-wise I am currently looking at going to Dubrovnik, Croatia. Paul and I are thinking of going for a week and I have found this sweet apartment right at the beach with a patio balcony. The trip for a week (flights and accomodation) is looking about £400 so it won't be too hard on the purse strings either.
Work is good too and I love my job and the people I work with. Ideally yes I want a better salary but I don't want to sacrifice my happiness for a better wage so I am being picky for what I am applying for. I managed to get a pay raise for the last year so I am definitely happy about that.
The rest of my time is typically spent with my family and my friends. I have made new friend in Erin (a Canadian who temped at Action Cancer) and I continue to keep close friendships with Gerald, Paul, Nikki, Amy, Lauren and the girls from work.
All in all, life is good - 10/10, would live again.
JPC
Wednesday, 11 January 2017
2016 revisited, 2017 goals.
Happy New Year and welcome to a far too late blogpost about the New year Goals.
Let's start with the goals for last year and see how well I did.
1. Move out. - PROGRESS
If you don't do any of the rest of the list do this one. Get a house share, move in with friends or if you get really lucky get your own place. I will be so proud of you!
Although I did not do this I decided I am now looking for a house of my own and I have saved a lot of money and got a Help to Buy ISA to help me along the way. I have been house hunting for over 6 months, viewed many and even put an offer on!
2. Learn to make something new. - DONE
In 2015 I started making bath bombs and other basic cosmetics. Learn how to do more, maybe candles? Be creative!
This year I expanded my creative skills with card and flower making and did homemade Christmas cards and gifts and signed up for a craft fair to sell my handmade things.
3. READ. 12 books a year. - FAIL
I am recycling this goal from last year but it's achievable and we can definitely do it.
Definitely did not make this a priority, but I'm not too upset - I did a lot!
4. Take care of your mental health. - DONE
You know what I mean for this one. Take care of yourself and put it as a priority. Even over moving out!
100% yes, completed counselling and got myself in a new place mentally. Very proud.
5. Look after dogs. - DONE
You can't have one but keep looking after them whether it be through borrowmydoggy or visiting Lauren and bringing her and her dogs out for a good walk.
Yes, a continued relationship with Lauren. Plus registering as a volunteer for Rosie's Trust.
6. Eat less meat. - DONE
In the month of January I have tried to limit meat to one meal a day. I'd like to continue this to strive to be healthier and try more vegetable based meals.
Yes! Meat is less of a priority and I definitely eat less and I think it's made me healthier.
7. Don't hoard your LUSH stuff - use it! - DONE
Yes! 100%.
8. Go and see as many plays as you can and want to! - DONE
Yes! This year I seen; In The Heights, Sister Act, The Last Five Years (London), Kinky Boots, Footloose and Little Shop of Horror.
9. Dye your hair back to it's natural colour - and back if you hate it! - DONE
I did it, I hated it, I am back to normal. :P
10. Look into Invisalign, have a consultation and see if it is affordable. - FAIL
I did not.
Additional achievements;
- Travelled alone to Budapest.
- Completed Chiropractic treatment to help shoulder pain.
2017 Goals
1. Travel to at least three new places outside of the UK. (Currently two booked)
2. Become an active volunteer for Rosie's Trust.
3. Reduce meat and dairy consumption overall. Starting with a veggie January!
4. Establish a fitness routine.
5. Buy a house by myself.
6. Improve overall diet - REDUCE SUGAR!
7. Get a promotion/new job.
8. Read 12 books.
9. Explore creativity - sell your stuff at a craft fair.
10. Learn to switch off from social media/technology.
Let's start with the goals for last year and see how well I did.
1. Move out. - PROGRESS
If you don't do any of the rest of the list do this one. Get a house share, move in with friends or if you get really lucky get your own place. I will be so proud of you!
Although I did not do this I decided I am now looking for a house of my own and I have saved a lot of money and got a Help to Buy ISA to help me along the way. I have been house hunting for over 6 months, viewed many and even put an offer on!
2. Learn to make something new. - DONE
In 2015 I started making bath bombs and other basic cosmetics. Learn how to do more, maybe candles? Be creative!
This year I expanded my creative skills with card and flower making and did homemade Christmas cards and gifts and signed up for a craft fair to sell my handmade things.
3. READ. 12 books a year. - FAIL
I am recycling this goal from last year but it's achievable and we can definitely do it.
Definitely did not make this a priority, but I'm not too upset - I did a lot!
4. Take care of your mental health. - DONE
You know what I mean for this one. Take care of yourself and put it as a priority. Even over moving out!
100% yes, completed counselling and got myself in a new place mentally. Very proud.
5. Look after dogs. - DONE
You can't have one but keep looking after them whether it be through borrowmydoggy or visiting Lauren and bringing her and her dogs out for a good walk.
Yes, a continued relationship with Lauren. Plus registering as a volunteer for Rosie's Trust.
6. Eat less meat. - DONE
In the month of January I have tried to limit meat to one meal a day. I'd like to continue this to strive to be healthier and try more vegetable based meals.
Yes! Meat is less of a priority and I definitely eat less and I think it's made me healthier.
7. Don't hoard your LUSH stuff - use it! - DONE
Yes! 100%.
8. Go and see as many plays as you can and want to! - DONE
Yes! This year I seen; In The Heights, Sister Act, The Last Five Years (London), Kinky Boots, Footloose and Little Shop of Horror.
9. Dye your hair back to it's natural colour - and back if you hate it! - DONE
I did it, I hated it, I am back to normal. :P
10. Look into Invisalign, have a consultation and see if it is affordable. - FAIL
I did not.
Additional achievements;
- Travelled alone to Budapest.
- Completed Chiropractic treatment to help shoulder pain.
2017 Goals
1. Travel to at least three new places outside of the UK. (Currently two booked)
2. Become an active volunteer for Rosie's Trust.
3. Reduce meat and dairy consumption overall. Starting with a veggie January!
4. Establish a fitness routine.
5. Buy a house by myself.
6. Improve overall diet - REDUCE SUGAR!
7. Get a promotion/new job.
8. Read 12 books.
9. Explore creativity - sell your stuff at a craft fair.
10. Learn to switch off from social media/technology.
Sunday, 7 August 2016
The inevitability of getting let down.
You'd always be there, but where are you now?
Over the last few days I have been having some very emotional discussions with people who I love and admire in equal measure. These people have shown incredible strength and grace, when they were faced with betrayal. In short they were let down by somebody who they allowed themselves to be vulnerable with.
Vulnerability is a hard thing to let yourself be. This only increases with age, as you meet more people and they break your trust. Once you let yourself be vulnerable, you knowingly give this person the chance to emotionally destroy you. You question every kind thing you did for them, every sacrifice you made and wonder why you allowed yourself to be betrayed.
You watch this person's life continue seemingly happily with no knowledge of what they have done to you. Sadly, outside of fiction we rarely get that apology we need and we have to somehow come to terms with the fact that this person won't realise the extent of their actions.
...and that's always going to be the risk. If you fall in love with somebody you fall as low as you were elated in the heights of your infatuation and joy. Some people are more loyal than their counterpart. One person's determination to conquer any obstacles does not make up for the others determination for personal success and convenience.
When that person makes that choice to ignore you, cheat on you, cut you from their life, blame you, insult you, leave you, physically abuse you, intimidate you or terrify you you don't get a say in their actions. You just have to deal with it, and try and let it not destroy you.
From experience all I can say it some days it will. As time goes on those days will be less frequent but they will still come and they will still be as hard to deal with. you'll wonder if it will ever stop hurting and honestly I am not there yet where I can confirm it. I really hope that it is.
Some days you're bitter, some days you're better.
Monday, 25 July 2016
Writing is therapeutic - an analogy on creative outlets.
Life has been moving pretty fast, and I'm not sure where it's all going. I think back to when I was in my late teens and how I managed my emotions.
Despite considering myself a pretty creative person I never really stayed loyal to any creative pursuits. When I was say 17, I did 'em all. Writing? Check. Songwriting? Check? Playing guitar/singing? Check. I was a compulsive reader and got lost pretty easily in the escapism of coming of age novels and anything involving somebody elses life. I even filmed and edited you tube videos which were mostly snip its of my life edited to some songs I really related to.
At 26 I am wondering what happened to any of those, why none of them stuck. Now I don't read - my attention span is shot and I have tried since age graduation to get 'back into' reading but I can't and it does give me the release it once did. When it comes to all the other stuff - I actually feel embarrassed with the idea that I did any of them, and the thought of doing them now fills me with anxiety and dread.
Is this what happens when real life takes over? When you work 40 hours a week do you just want to mindlessly play Spelunky 2 hours a day or watch TV shows until you fall asleep and do it all over again? I have been preoccupied with not embarrassing myself because I am scared what certain people think of me and that makes me hate myself a little bit.
Despite considering myself a pretty creative person I never really stayed loyal to any creative pursuits. When I was say 17, I did 'em all. Writing? Check. Songwriting? Check? Playing guitar/singing? Check. I was a compulsive reader and got lost pretty easily in the escapism of coming of age novels and anything involving somebody elses life. I even filmed and edited you tube videos which were mostly snip its of my life edited to some songs I really related to.
At 26 I am wondering what happened to any of those, why none of them stuck. Now I don't read - my attention span is shot and I have tried since age graduation to get 'back into' reading but I can't and it does give me the release it once did. When it comes to all the other stuff - I actually feel embarrassed with the idea that I did any of them, and the thought of doing them now fills me with anxiety and dread.
Is this what happens when real life takes over? When you work 40 hours a week do you just want to mindlessly play Spelunky 2 hours a day or watch TV shows until you fall asleep and do it all over again? I have been preoccupied with not embarrassing myself because I am scared what certain people think of me and that makes me hate myself a little bit.
Monday, 11 January 2016
2015 revisited and 2016 Goals.
2015 Goals and comments;
1. Establish a gym/fitness routine.
I found the gym in 2014, and I want to establish a firm routine that I an realistically stick to.
I started the year pretty good and it fell away so quickly I am not sure this is something I can really stick to until I find something convienient that I don't hate.
2. Be kind to yourself!This is a development of ‘Be more positive (even when things are hard)’ last year. I know this is ongoing, but make more time for myself and start putting myself first more.
Ongoing - but done. I feel like I have a general more positive attitude about myself and I have spent more time looking after myself and trying to minimise future damage.
3. Travel out of Ireland at least twice - ONCE TO FRANCE.Now I will be going on a Hen do in April, and I need to visit France. Need to do this.
DONE! I went to Japan, France, Liverpool and London this year. I was absolutely delighted to visit France and speak French to the natives. :)
4. Read 12 books - 1 per month.I have fallen seriously out of love with reading, and I want to change that. I have set an easy to reach goal to make sure I don’t give up.
...FAILED. Yup, I am sorry I didn't do this. I maybe got to 5?
5. Learn French starting with Duolingo.I have started this and is it difficult but it is great!
I learnt and I gave up, without an end goal I found this too difficult to find the motivation for.
6. Move out!You are 25, get yo ass out of the house, live with your friends and live the dream.
Still no, major life changes meant this sadly wasn't possible.
7. Blog once a week - if you’re home.Try and write and keep your mind active!
No but I kept it active in other ways which interested me more.
8. Stop eating SO many sweets.I mean, seriously you are addicted and an adult. Stahhhp ittt.
I definitely cut down, and the 4 fillings I got as a result of eating so many in years gone by served as a painful reminder on this one!
9. Drink more water - and cut down fizzy drink to weekends only.Take care of your teef, hydrate yo body.
DONE. I definitely cut fizzy drinks down (with the exception of Christmas). I mostly drink sugar free dilute now, or water.
10. Don’t be ashamed to spend money on yourself.You are a serial saver and there is more to life. Travel, do night classes, go to a play, go on spa breaks. Say YES and enjoy your money.
YES. Although I did save still a considerable amount I bought myself whatever I wanted. Including tickets to many plays, a Ps4, and travelling trips.
Now onto the difficult part to write. The dreaded goals for this year.
1. Move out.
If you don't do any of the rest of the list do this one. Get a house share, move in with friends or if you get really lucky get your own place. I will be so proud of you!
2. Learn to make something new.
In 2015 I started making bath bombs and other basic cosmetics. Learn how to do more, maybe candles? Be creative!
3. READ. 12 books a year.
I am recycling this goal from last year but it's achievable and we can definitely do it.
4. Take care of your mental health.
You know what I mean for this one. Take care of yourself and put it as a priority. Even over moving out!
5. Look after dogs.
You can't have one but keep looking after them whether it be through borrowmydoggy or visiting Lauren and bringing her and her dogs out for a good walk.
6. Eat less meat.
In the month of January I have tried to limit meat to one meal a day. I'd like to continue this to strive to be healthier and try more vegetable based meals.
7. Don't hoard your LUSH stuff - use it!
8. Go and see as many plays as you can and want to!
9. Dye your hair back to it's natural colour - and back if you hate it!
10. Look into Invisalign, have a consultation and see if it is affordable.
1. Establish a gym/fitness routine.
I found the gym in 2014, and I want to establish a firm routine that I an realistically stick to.
I started the year pretty good and it fell away so quickly I am not sure this is something I can really stick to until I find something convienient that I don't hate.
2. Be kind to yourself!This is a development of ‘Be more positive (even when things are hard)’ last year. I know this is ongoing, but make more time for myself and start putting myself first more.
Ongoing - but done. I feel like I have a general more positive attitude about myself and I have spent more time looking after myself and trying to minimise future damage.
3. Travel out of Ireland at least twice - ONCE TO FRANCE.Now I will be going on a Hen do in April, and I need to visit France. Need to do this.
DONE! I went to Japan, France, Liverpool and London this year. I was absolutely delighted to visit France and speak French to the natives. :)
4. Read 12 books - 1 per month.I have fallen seriously out of love with reading, and I want to change that. I have set an easy to reach goal to make sure I don’t give up.
...FAILED. Yup, I am sorry I didn't do this. I maybe got to 5?
5. Learn French starting with Duolingo.I have started this and is it difficult but it is great!
I learnt and I gave up, without an end goal I found this too difficult to find the motivation for.
6. Move out!You are 25, get yo ass out of the house, live with your friends and live the dream.
Still no, major life changes meant this sadly wasn't possible.
7. Blog once a week - if you’re home.Try and write and keep your mind active!
No but I kept it active in other ways which interested me more.
8. Stop eating SO many sweets.I mean, seriously you are addicted and an adult. Stahhhp ittt.
I definitely cut down, and the 4 fillings I got as a result of eating so many in years gone by served as a painful reminder on this one!
9. Drink more water - and cut down fizzy drink to weekends only.Take care of your teef, hydrate yo body.
DONE. I definitely cut fizzy drinks down (with the exception of Christmas). I mostly drink sugar free dilute now, or water.
10. Don’t be ashamed to spend money on yourself.You are a serial saver and there is more to life. Travel, do night classes, go to a play, go on spa breaks. Say YES and enjoy your money.
YES. Although I did save still a considerable amount I bought myself whatever I wanted. Including tickets to many plays, a Ps4, and travelling trips.
Now onto the difficult part to write. The dreaded goals for this year.
1. Move out.
If you don't do any of the rest of the list do this one. Get a house share, move in with friends or if you get really lucky get your own place. I will be so proud of you!
2. Learn to make something new.
In 2015 I started making bath bombs and other basic cosmetics. Learn how to do more, maybe candles? Be creative!
3. READ. 12 books a year.
I am recycling this goal from last year but it's achievable and we can definitely do it.
4. Take care of your mental health.
You know what I mean for this one. Take care of yourself and put it as a priority. Even over moving out!
5. Look after dogs.
You can't have one but keep looking after them whether it be through borrowmydoggy or visiting Lauren and bringing her and her dogs out for a good walk.
6. Eat less meat.
In the month of January I have tried to limit meat to one meal a day. I'd like to continue this to strive to be healthier and try more vegetable based meals.
7. Don't hoard your LUSH stuff - use it!
8. Go and see as many plays as you can and want to!
9. Dye your hair back to it's natural colour - and back if you hate it!
10. Look into Invisalign, have a consultation and see if it is affordable.
Wednesday, 2 September 2015
August Review
Gay Pride 2015 (August 1st)
Weekend in rural Beleek
Also travelled to;
Van Morrison @ Cyprus Avenue (Van's 70 Birthday Concert)
Movies;
Man from U.N.C.L.E - (7/10)
Mission Impossible; Rogue Nation (6/10)
TV;
Peep Show (9/10)
Undeniably one of the greatest comedy shows ever. I have been really sick this month and this made me belly laugh so many times.
Bake Off
Lemon Bath Bombs;
Weekend in rural Beleek
Also travelled to;
- Ballyshannon - Top 10 best ice creams in Ireland!
- Bundoran
- Sligo
- Rossnowlagh - Smugglers Creek (Amazing chowder, seafood and glorious view!)
Van Morrison @ Cyprus Avenue (Van's 70 Birthday Concert)
Movies;
Man from U.N.C.L.E - (7/10)
Mission Impossible; Rogue Nation (6/10)
TV;
Peep Show (9/10)
Undeniably one of the greatest comedy shows ever. I have been really sick this month and this made me belly laugh so many times.
Bake Off
Lemon Bath Bombs;
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