Story of my life.

Somebody beautiful.

Now, this guy isn't really my type. However after watching 10 Things I hate about You as a tween, and 500 days of Summer in some hard times I've developed a thing for him. So much that when I went to the cinema with a few friends to see Inception and saw him the words 'I love him!' rushed out of my mouth. He's exceedingly cute, and liking somebody outside of your type is pretty refreshing.


I particularly like the fourth picture.

I think I'm doing well, from what they say.

Hiya. Been pretty busy as of late, and since I'm only working part-time when I come home I've a lot of things to do and I just feel like things are kind of coming together. I just think in life you set standards and goals for yourself and you need to work and DO things to reach them. I get so angry when people complain about their lives, fitness, friendships when they don't do anything to change it. You can ALWAYS change it if you try hard at it.

I was just thinking this morning about the things I've personally been struggling with, and how I've worked so I'm no longer struggling as much or at all with them anymore. I guess you deal with a lot of stuff alone most of the time. Sometimes you tell others, but most of the time they won't understand the extent unless they're you living through it. However sometimes when people catch a glimpse or you let loose some of the things that are going on, you get a bit of recognition about how well you're actually doing. You get a 'Wow, that sounds like hell how're you doing this?' or just a 'I'm really proud of you' and you just feel like you've came a distance to where you were maybe a few months ago.

Realising your progress alone is very difficult because you can't see how much better you have been doing at times. There's nothing more satisfying than working your ass over something even though it's killing you and getting told genuinely that you're actually doing well, or that people are impressed with you.

Everything is a learning curve, and as long as you're challenging yourself you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. As long as you're trying and you have the ambition and drive to do things and you're moving forward you should just be satisfied. You won't always get people telling you you're doing well, and you just have to tell yourself you are. Just never give up on yourself, or you've lost everything.

Update.

Well I guess it's time for a 'this is what's happening' update.

• I still need a haircut and my room's still a mess.
• I printed out all the best photos of second year at uni and they're plastered in a massive collage spanning over my wardrobes.
• I've started a new job and the first 2 hours I was trying so hard not to cry and nobody was particulary friendly to me. The next day was a lot better, but probably just as much hard work. I've forgotten how hard 9 hour shifts are with just one half hour break.
• This new job means I've so much to learn and a whole bunch of new people to try and get to know rather than shouting my coffee orders at them when I'm on the till. People at work assumed I was 17 and would not believe me when they found out I was 20.
• I haven't been to gym because I've been working and yoga in this heat may be unbearable but I'll go on Thursday when I'm off if I'm feeling up to it.
• My sisters friend from Liverpool is coming this weekend so I'm looking forward to seeing him again.
• LOTR in jammies with ice lollies in bed is the best way to wind down after work.
• I now talk to the panini machine.
• The song 'Torch' by Alanis Morisette nearly makes me cry nowadays.
• I still miss my old housemates/friends with everything I have and everytime I see them I feel like I'm home. (I'm aware of how cheesy this sounds!)

These days.

To be honest I'm the kind of person where I like to have a bit of everything. Whether it be food, music, friends, vacations or anything. I like to experience all I can and try and get the most and the best out of everything. Of course I do have my favourites but I think when you rely on your favourites all the time you start to not try or do anything new.

I'm afraid that one day I'll look back on my life and realise I spent most of it doing one particular thing, and not many great things.

So these days I've been trying to get myself back on my feet after all the things that I can't write in a blog have been piling up onto my shoulders. And of course I care too much to throw them off so I just try and sort it out, and now the most important of it has been sorted out and my backs a lot lighter. Instead of having somebody on my back I have them holding my hand. You can not fathom how good it feels to have this now. I woke up this morning so excited that I didn't have to fight the battle anymore, or more importantly I didn't have to fight it alone anymore.

So these days I've been spending time with my friends and family. I've been making plans and just trying to keep my chin up and be as happy as I can be. I'm getting a grip on how I'm living my life now, and looking forward to plans I'm making and enjoying the moment while I'm in it. I find things difficult because I'm so easily offended, easily annoyed and easily upset which makes it difficult to pretend you're having the time of your life - but sometimes you are.

I'm not sure if any of that made sense, but it's something a bit less serious that the stuff I've been posting recently. Oh, and driving alone is pretty scary and I talk to myself and other cars on the road. :P

Unbearable decisions.

It makes me angry when people assume you make decisions because it's easy, or comfortable. Sometimes you can make the same decision a million times and not get anywhere. You pick the decision which might bring you forward even if it makes you unhappy. Even if it makes you think that you made the wrong one everyday, and makes you want to go and make the decision you've already made a million times but all you've got to do is keep going and try to have fun no matter what you do. Try to make the best out of everything and try not to give up on yourself.

I'm tired of everybody assuming that it's so flipping easy.
I'm tired of everybody assuming that I never think about it anymore and life is a breeze.

Even though it hurts like hell.

Appreciating.

I think when you don't wake up and feel excited for your day that you start to get a bit complacent. You start to get a bit annoyed with the fact you're a bit overweight, or the jobhunt is still as bleak as it ever was. You start to get a bit neutral with things, thinking that they're not great, but they're not that terrible either. You tend to forget how much people love you, and how many great things surround you in your life.

I guess I've just got to thinking about appreciating what I have, and well looking after what I have and keeping it to be what I want it to be and not let it slip just because I don't have absolutely everything I want. The reason I guess I started thinking and practising this was last night when I was at my Mum's 5oth birthday party. I was surrounded by friends of hers, some she'd known since she was wee right up until really just a few months of friendship... but they were all equal in the fact that they were all there and all showing their love to her with no discrimination or special status.

The thing I need to remind myself is that I've fought for a lot of the stuff that makes me happy now. I've fought to keep friends and I've fought to be happy. I didn't get anything I wanted by sitting back and waiting for friends to come knocking, or opportunities to present themselves. If we want things to happen we need to initialise it, we need to fight for it and we need to believe in ourselves enough to know that we can never give up. And to know that if we do, we've given up on ourselves.

I just hope that on my 50th birthday I can be surrounded by loyal friends, like my Mum. I hope we can all laugh as I read out my big poem about who I am, and clap after my daughters read out theirs. I just hope that everybody really realises how blessed they are and how loved they are. I hope that they never forget it, and they always have an opportunity to seize.

Smirk.

I wouldn't mind

This boy in my life, and a place where we could run away and get married and be happy forever. Of course I don't know this boy, and of course he mightn't be all I want or anything I need. However, when there's somebody you think is lovely and don't know you can imagine they're the best thing since sliced bread and are absolutely wonderful. Your expectations exceed anything real life has to offer and you can therefore be completely satisfied with your expectations.

Therefore, this boy is absolutely perfect.

That is all.

Remember that,

...things are getting better, I am getting better.

:)

Arrgh.

It's annoying and frustrating trying to keep everybody around you happy. If you do one thing you will upset somebody and if you don't you will upset somebody else. It's not as simple as doing what makes you happy because part of what makes you happy will be compromised and it's not like you need one thing in your life for happiness. You need many things, and you want all these things to co-exist in harmony but sometimes they won't and sometimes people need to compromise to fit everything inside your life comfortably.

Saying that, after people have made their sacrifices, and to some extent grinned and bared in order for everything to work things get tossed back up when you learn the truth about the past and what's happened. I guess more than anything I just feel angry for making space for more people when I should've been happy and grateful for what I have and in the end have sacrificed what I shouldn't have for something that was only going to bring me down yet again.

I know I said I wouldn't blog about this but I want to get it down before the next time I feel like trying to make everything work again. The reality is that you need to stick what what makes you happy, and you won't be happy all the time but you need to be happy most of the time or it's just not worth it. You'll find people in life that just aren't worth it, and you have to keep being the best you can be to prove to everybody that you definitely are worth it.

...so I'm keeping my chin up.

I hear ya.

Off/On.

Being single is one of things that can be seen two ways. The first and most annoying is when couples feel sorry for you for not having a boyfriend and automatically assume you want to be paired up, or want to go with random people to somebody validate yourself. The second is that you're very bitter about men and you're being one of those way-past-feminism feminists who hate men and don't see the point of them.

I can honestly say I'm neither of these, although at times maybe I'm glimpses of both. Mostly I'm just a girl who knows what she wants, and having been in and out of relationships I know what works with me in a relationship. So I was looking through youtube and I remember a video response phenonomon about broadcasting what turns you on, and what turns you on. Hence the idea for this blog, so here we go.

What turns me on;

1. Somebody who has their own life. I don't want to be in a relationship where I'm the centre and everything revolves around me. If you have your own hobbies, your own routine and things you love to do then I think that's so attractive.
2. Somebody who knows how to be happy. This includes knowing that a lot of things make you happy in life, and making the best out of everything. Being a positive person is so important to me and pessimists really get me down.
3. Humour. Always tops the list I guess, and trying too hard is always a turn off. A witty sense of humour to keep things interesting is fantastic, and appreciating my sense of humour makes everything happier.
4. Intelligence. Not over-intelligence or straight A's, but somebody who is smart ebcause they work and want to get far in life is really what I go for.
5. Ambition. If you work in shop and always want to work in the shop, that just really doesn't do it for me. I need to have somebody who has dreams which they will fight to achieve.
6. Somebody social, easy to talk to and get on with. I want you to be able to get on well with my family and friends, or else we're going nowhere.
7. Passion. About something other than me. Honestly, preferably something creative but anything which makes you go off on one with that spark in your eyes gets me everytime.
8. Being physically attractive. Now I really wouldn't say I'm shallow, in fact if he had a few of the above it really would not matter to me. I think that if you fall for what's inside it shows on the outside and you start you really love the way they look even if they're not what your type is. As for my type; tall, dark longish hair, beard (but no moustashe!), checkered shirts and I love trouser braces, waistcoasts, and blazers. Guys that take pride in their appearance is always good yet obviously vanity or taking more than 15 minutes to get ready is way too far.
9. Respect and loving yourself. If you know your strengths and are confident without being cocky that's so attractive.
10. Nerdy guys, or guys who like nerdy things. :)
11. Cars, I'm sorry but I like a guy with a car.
12. Big dark curly hair.
13. Having an open mind, and accepting others views and respecting them.
14. Having a healthy and strong body. Being able to carry my bags, or lift me up the stairs is a turn on, having to stop for breath on a walk or complaining a lot about being hurt is a turn off.
15. Understanding my moods and the little things I enjoy.

What turns me off;

1. Insecurity. We all have our insecurities, but letting them ruin your life and going on about them all the time is very unattractive. Physically if you're insecure about something you should change it, and if you can't you should accept it.
2. Not being able to take a joke. Yawn, wind yer neck in.
3. Boring people.
4. Unadventurous people.
5. Boring people.
6. Smokers.
7. Tattoos.
8. Jealousy. If you're going to be jealous of my friends, family, or male friends that's not cool.
9. Clingy-ness. I'm a free bird, if you try and cage me in and not let me have my alone time I will get moody, and may kill you.
10. Anger issues, and obviously physical violence.
11. People who dwell on the past.
12. Being unable to comfort me, or unable to cheer me up.
13. Laziness.

Grumpalump.

I kinda made a deal with myself that when I'm upset and falling asleep after watching programmes I've seen twice that day I'll not post emotionally heavy blogs about my hard life and how hard life is. All I'll say is I'm grumpy about a few things, that are really all my doing anyway and I'm not angry at anybody, but seem to be taking it out on everybody with one word answers and shouting when pushed to give a response to a million questions.

When I feel like it's it's usually a case of needing to 'sort my life out' so I'll end it here, and wait another day or two until I stop being barefoot to sort my life out. Until then every picture I post is how I feel.

See you on the other side.