Oh, delete that,

I just feel if I could delete a moment, a movement, a feeling, a decision, an old friendship then I wouldn't have all the stigmas I have. I wouldn't be nervous about certain things and scared about others. I wouldn't swear to myself to not do things in case history repeats itself and I'd be happier and more carefree and daring.

But that's life, isn't it? Crap happens. Your life gets ruined and it gets messy. You lose your self confidence and you feel worthless. Learning to pick yourself up, forcing yourself to enjoy what you find difficult will make life better because you cannot delete what you wish didn't happen. You cannot make things better by pretending they didn't happen. You need to face your future with confidence it will hold happiness or else it won't. I think people can be so lazy with their lives, they dwell on what has happened and use it as an excuse not to take risks and not to ever risk anything in case they get hurt. It's pathetic and childish and we need to push past the part of ourselves which knows we can get hurt.

The last few days have been hell for me. Not enclosing why, but my close friends and my family obviously know. I wish I could delete what happened to me but I have to deal with it and get past it, or else it will only limit me for the rest of my life.

What I love about you is...

1. I can call you whatever mood I'm in. You'll always listen to me, and I'm always scared to ring anybody else because I'm not sure they'd really see the point of having our conversations.
2. You bring out my creativity. You drag out all my opinions and ideas and I know that's why you like me, and that's why I like you. I like that you ask me questions that make me question and explore what I do and why.
3. You ALWAYS put me first. Sure sometimes I get mad and tired and give you hard time but that's me being grumpy. Your big 'Awk sweetheart' after a long day makes me feel better and all the tension in my heart kinda just floats away.
4. You make it impossible not to smile around you. You're willing to put up with a lot to make others happy and never ask for anything in return. You've such a good heart, and always make time for everybody. You're so genuine and everybody loves you being around.
5. You make my day with stupid things. I'll be all worked up and you'll tell me a joke or rake me about doing things wrongly. You never seem stressed or upset and you never let anybody get you down, and that to me is amazing. You make life easier.
6. You're like the one who gets me. Who I know would laugh at what I laugh at, who knows how I'd react to certain situations. You know how to protect me, how to look after me, how to push me, how to enocurage me. And we have the best fun, we have the best everything really.

I'm feeling this today.

Up.

I just watched this because it arrived from play.com this morning. I love it so much. My favourite Pixar movie I think, even though all their movies are awesome. Maybe it was because I'm feeling so emotional today but I cried my eyes out and laughed my head off.

It was exactly what I needed today.

Now I'm away to play video games, in serious need of ice lollies.

You found RARECANDY!

I think memories and nostalgia can be very dangerous. Almost like a poison if you let it consume you. We can become so in love in what we had or did in our past that we'll not have much interest in what'll happen in our futures. We can only think about all our great memories and get into the mindset that they're all we have and the present we're living in is only there as a 'morning after the night before' purpose.

At the same time memories soothe and comfort us when we're inbetween making memories and having good times. Today I was thinking about playing my pink gameboy when I was wee and thinking it was great. Then about a year or so ago picking it up and probably enjoying it just as much. At the time my then boyfriend and friends also got into it and we had such a great time battling and levelling up and having this competitive thing between us. My point is that memories and hobbies in the past cannot be relived but you may find that little things from the past sometimes come back up and you make new memories with something old with new people, or different people.

Sometimes we're scared to go to certain places etc that we went to with former loved ones because we'll remember the memory and it'll just hurt us. However don't let the past take away from the great times on offer. Go with the flow and don't be afraid to revisit some old stuff with somebody new because you're not erasing former memories, and you'll probably make your old pain hurt a lot less. You'll make yourself hurt a lot less.

If we hold on to the past and try and try it into the present it'll never ever work. We'll end up hurt and disappointed. If we're not scared of what's happened we can go to the same places, we can read the same books and listen to the same songs and give them new meaning.

I'm grateful for my memories and I'm greatful for my future. I do not have to choose and I do not have to let one affect the other out of fear. I really can't wait for all the great things to come and all the amazing people and places I'm yet to see. :)

But don't look around in anger.

Hello Internet. These days I've been working like crazy. And like anything, when I get busy and stressed it takes very little to annoy me. People's little mannerisms which kinda got on my nerves turns into a situation I really can't stand and blow up everywhere about it. This ends up in me getting extremely at that person because it seems everything they do is so... little. They don't seem to be doing anything... ever. I get so riled up because, well I don't know you just feel like why you should be working your ass of and getting so stressed when others can laze about and be able to do whatever they want. Why are others reaping the benefits without working and you're barely reaping benefits from working?

It's not even that. I'll have those 'bad mood' DAYS. Days where I'll be grumpy from when I wake up until I go asleep nearly. Where my day will be a constant 'Euuuugh' and it seems to be a pile of annoyances. You feel like you have to deal with every little thing, or get dealt all the raw deals. It's easy to get into the 'I have such a hard life' state and you just have to get it into your head that you have a clean conscious. That you are able to suck it up when you're having a crap time and realise that working through it actually teaches you a lot more than never ever trying.

I guess what keeps me going on those 'I'm having the worst day ever' is the fact that I'm trying. I'm doing something in order to get something... in order to get somewhere. I'm not sitting on my arse with my arms open for the universe to hand me all I've ever wanted. I'm not taking all the money from a big rich family or the government. Sometimes it feels like you're hard done by because you can only truly compare your downs with your ups. You can only go by your own experiences and that's very limiting. We all know about the war in Iraq and the starving children in Africa but that doesn't really make us feel any better because emotion and feeling is more than extreme comparisons. If we dealt with our down days with a 'get over it' attitude then we'd be being unrealistic.

Ultimately there's no point in being angry and it's a destructive and dangerous side effect of a lot of hard work and despite what I write on the Internet sometimes - a good load of banter and experience. :) Hopefully I'll be less angry and more embracing of the good points and lovely people I've met. I promise one day soon I'll blog happy thoughts.

I'm not that naive.

It's hard to to be caught up with the future, or the possibilities we presently face. I think we do this because we're dissatisfied with what we've got currently and that's something I've really been trying to work on. I've been really trying to enjoy every second of the times where I'm filled to the brim with happiness. To extend my laugh and smile and enjoy it while it's there, because it won't always be the same way. I know that maybe next week I'll be tired, grumpy, stressed. I know that life has it's up and downs and if you don't fully enjoy and embrace your happiness then there's no point in any of that amazing stuff happening to you.

Even when things are tedious, you can make the best out of whatever situation you're in. You can always look positively at the situation and do a case of re-evaluating what's great about what's your doing at the minute, or how it's building up to something you really want. I think it's naive to have this 'things would be so much better if...' attitude and remain miserable and talking about your hard life. Change your life if you're unhappy, and while it's changing appreciate what you've got; because it certainly won't always be there.

I'm not that naive to think that in 5 years, or whatever many of years that I'll suddenly have everything I wanted. I just think all you can do is be positive and keep reaching, working and striving for what you want. While you're there you should enjoy the people you meet, the places you go and the inside jokes on the way. :)

Sometimes you get what you deserve, and most of the time you don't. Most of the time you have to suck it up and deal with it because nobody else can do the work for you. Nobody else in this world can think your thoughts or dream your dreams. So push yourself to get what you want and don't let the b*stards get you down.

And to end, a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt;

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent; never give it.

Complicated relationships.

We live in an age where relationships are difficult to define. We find out most people are in a relationship by facebook statuses. People who kiss are not necessarily in a relationship, people who have sex with each other are not necessarily in a relationship and even people who have children together are not in a relationship together. We live in an age where everything has become so blurred, so debatable and so personal. Even if we are in relationship, we can brand it an open relationship, a casual relationship, an on/off relationship and the list is really endless.

So where does that leave us? Where have all these new so-called evolutions of relationships really brought us? If you have an open relationship then that means both parties are allowed to kiss, have sex with, date other people. Does that not defy the point of a relationship? Is that up to the individuals? Have relationships instead of being a concrete unification become this extremely convenient agreement where it's all about trying to get all the good stuff and leave all the bad stuff?

After briefly delving into a 'casual relationship' I can conclude they are definitely not healthy, they do not breed a problem free relationship, and they certainly don't leave you happy. The thing is why we want a relationship is for companionship, somebody we can commit ourselves to and ultimately fall in love with. In my opinion anything other than a 'taken seriously' relationship is a time-filler between potential lifetime partners. Everybody usually does want to spend their life with somebody so why are we wasting our time with people we deem too incompatible with?

The obvious answer is for comfort. If we leave a serious relationship we are lonely and vulnerable. We want to feel sexy and wanted. We want something carefree that will make us happy and forget about how hurt we are. We want to enter a casual relationship with no problems. ...can you hear how unrealistic this sounds? Because it is. People have issues, a lot of issues and approaching a relationship to escape from a past one doesn't work. It will create unbelievable problems and you'll leave it a lot hurt, but also a lot wiser (and more sure about what you want).

Relationships are complicated and problematic. They hurt and change who you are and how you feel, but they're meant to. All the love and fun you have in it makes up for it, makes you able to fight everything else that holds you back. I guess my point is never resort to half-relationships when you can have a full, loving, beautiful full relationship with somebody who loves you in jammies and makes fun of how smelly your feet are. Something you'll remember fondly, something you won't be frantically trying to brush under the carpet.

The bottom line is that people are complicated and beautiful. We need to respect that and if want to be in a realtionship we need to take all the crap that comes with taking a person into your life and into your heart. I believe that relationships only fully last, and fully are worthwhile if you take it seriously and respect each other enough to take them in for everything they are.

...says the single girl listening to Kelly Clarkson. :P

Being headstrong.

So, I'm a little headstrong. If I don't agree with something, or even something really annoys me I'll really let it get to me for a long time and end up stiking out in an explosion and shocking who the outburst is aimed at. I let things consume me and I try to fight them getting to me or annoying me. At the end of the day we're humans, we're capable of consuming emotion and I think that's incredibly powerful, it's our passion striking out. We should not be afraid of our desires, of what makes us dream and what makes us stronger than any other species.


Now don't get me wrong. I know being headstrong isn't exactly an admirable quality but in some instances it can be. It shows that you have something burning inside you, a passion and an opinion which moves you, rocks you and allows you to be yourself and be strong in who you are. So give me that over being unopinionated and boring anyday.

Don't let yourself be dragged down by those who don't matter.

Motivation.

Have you ever felt like you're not good enough? Like you never have been particulary good at one thing and you're not sure if you'll ever be the best, or ever succeed in something you want to? Like you work and work and all you seem to come across is failure and disappoint? Then you're not alone.

We all have a motivation. It can range from a bad childhood, a crucial death in the family to a movie, a set of lyrics or most comfortingly the love and support of family and friends. However to get us to DO things and experience things we have to ultimately motivate ourselves because none of these inspirations will do anything for us alone; we have to do it alone.

I get really angry and frustrated with extremely unmotivated people. People who complain about having no friends/no job/bad grades/bad relationships and do absolutely nothing about it. Or more annoyingly; say they are when they clearly are not. Claim they are trying, when you have been that position and tried so hard to get out of it without complaint, and worked yourself out of it but they will not do anything whatsoever. It's absolutely infuriating.

It's annoying when you work to do things. You work for a wage, you work for a grade, you work to make a relationship work. Things do not fall perfectly into your lap for you to enjoy without pain. You do not get handed your perfect job hassle-free and you will never get anywhere exciting in life without stepping outside your comfort zone. Some people just think if they wait things will all work out for them, well they won't. Maybe you will get somewhere eventually but you will have wasted so much time being unbelievably unmotivated.

If you want something. And I mean truely have your heart set on it, absolutely need to do something; you WILL work for it. If you do not strive and work to get something then you really don't ever deserve to get it.

Rant over... for the meantime.

Feeling like a spare part.

When you're doing something new, are with new people, are different from those around you or haven't quite figured out how you fit in exactly it's pretty easy to feel like you're a spare part. You feel like everything is functioning without you perfectly, and your presence seems pretty well, unecessary which kinda grinds on you after a while.

I guess the thing to remember is that you're there for a reason. If you feel like this then you have to revalute why you're there, list the reasons. Then let the reasons give you confidence and a sense of real worth. Don't be in a place if you are a spare part, because you're NOT needed. However if you're in a place where you feel like you're a spare part when you're not then just remind yourself that you're needed you're wanted and you were chosen to be there over a lot of others.

In other news: Working practically everyday, and starting to make friends there. :) Won't get paid until about a month. When that paycheck comes in I'll be extremely boring and put it in my savings account for my shiny new car one day.