Controlling the change, and succumbing to the change.

I can feel severe change coming.
And I can't control it at all.

Old friends growing up together.

Less than 2 weeks ago I met a friend of mine that I've been friends with since I was about 7 or 8. We were talking generally about university life, approaching deadlines and nights out. The conversation lasted longer than I expected and we got into talking about the amount of mutual friends slightly older/younger than us who were pregnant - people we'd grown up with playing Kerby on the footpaths.

I love those friendships. The ones where you were never best friends, but always will stop and have a good conversation maturely and with no awkwardness.

Inevitably the conversation went back to the friends in our past friendship circle. One of which I had fallen out with when I was 13, one who I fell out with as soon as I met him and one whom I'd have online conversations with now and again. When I asked about the last one I mentionned I was told that my friend met up with her recently - and she was completely stuck in the past.

When I say stuck in the past - I mean that instead of asking about uni/work/what's new, she was asking 'Oh, have you seen ____'. People that I haven't seen since I was eleven running about the street eating mini pot noodles in an orange and blue full tracksuit. I couldn't believe that those people were still on her mind. She persisted asking about people and places you've left quite firmly in the past as if they were perfectly adequate questions to be asking.

Similarly, all around me are words of reunions and old bands getting back together. Nostalgia is great, but you can't spend all your present living in the past - even if it's in a good way. And yes meet up with old friends and reminise but try and keep it current or else they are always going to be old friends and not current friends.

Remember that instead of playing kerby with your sister you're hugging her after a bad break up. Instead of posting your friends handmade letters through thier doors you're sitting in the house you share talking about your career. You don't have to give up your past but try to transform it into something that will grow.

I'm grateful.

Here in Northern Ireland we don't have thankgiving and I woke up this morning feeling very grateful for a number of things. I just wanted to put this things down for when I'm wrongly in a bad mood or sulking.

• I'm grateful for my own personal financial situation.
• I'm grteful for my families financial situation.
• I'm grateful I have such amazing friends that will always have time for me and I'm grateful for all the laughs we always have.
• I'm grateful for God and church for always giving me solace and hope.
• I'm grateful to music, and to live gigs.
• I'm grateful for parents I can always talk to and can always run to.
• I'm grateful for my body.
• I'm grateful for all the experiences I've had in (and out) of relationships.
• I'm grateful for having a wondeful boyfriend to whom I can literally talk to about everything.
• I'm grateful for a best friend that erases the past best friends in a second.
• I'm grateful for all the places I can go with my friends.
• I'm grateful for my close relationships with my family.
• I'm grateful for video games, and video game banter.
• I'm grateful for literature, and the places it transports you.
• I'm grateful that I managed to move on.
• I'm grateful for photography, and all of the seasons.
• I'm grateful for new life.
• I'm grateful for every little thing that has ever made me happy.

Don't call it a comeback...

And that is you in front of me
And you are back for even more of exactly the same
Well, are you a masochist to love a modern leper
On her last leg.

Cliques.

Hey everyone, sorry for the lack of updates. I've been up at uni 24/7 and have not been coming home as much. I find this very refreshing and it helps me gain a little more alone time.

Over the last few days I've been thinking about 'cliques' we get ourselves into. If you're not sure what a 'clique' is - it's a group of friends, normally associated with American high schools. After going through Grammar school with this kind of social orders which cannot be broken I assumed at university it would become all grown up where we interacted as adults and not a bunch of overgrown teenagers - but the cliques continued.

Before I give you the wrong impression I want to highlight that this is not aimed at tall girls in high heels, or a dark corner in the room where all the emo kids reside. It's actually a mindset some people seem to have, and it's actually not initially apparent. Actually I have only come to realise this in the past week or ever less.

People have friendship groups. We all have been a part of these and have witnessed these since we were all babies in sandpits - but does this go deeper than it looks on the surface?

Up at uni I have a pretty set group of friends, I'll be the first to admit. However outside this I have a lot of other people I would also be friends with. In fact everybody I meet in uni I try and talk to and to be friends with. This is all pretty normal, isn't it?

I found myself in classes with absolutely nobody I knew and I went up to people I didn't know and introduced myself and tried my best to make the effort. I found a few people would not make the effort back, but I continued making the effort. Weeks went by and eventually I gravitated to a few people who were making the effort back and were genuinely lovely people.

I started to wonder why I was being rejected by these people - who were sitting by themselves due to them rejecting me. I realised that they were so close to their friends in their 'cliques' outside the class that they refused to be friends with anybody else or let anybody else into their 'cliques'

It was a weird conclusion and I started to open my eyes to this notion of saying very strictly inside your friendship group. I thought it was idiotic and unnecessary. By accepting a friend are you rejecting another? By sitting on your own are you doing your friends back home a favour?

Maybe it comes down to insecurity, immaturity and self-confidence. I think you should never reject antibody's invitation to be friends. We all learn from each other and gain experiences because of each other - it's a shame to deny yourself because of so-called loyalty.

Just remember this while I'm gone.

Solace.

I can make it through the rain,

I can stand up once again,

On my own and I know That I'm strong enough to mend,

And every time I feel afraid I hold tighter to my faith,

And I live one more day,

And I make it through the rain.

This is how I feel today.

Never being the BEST.

I remember when I was in Sunday school as a young girl. Every week we'd do a game, or a quiz. I was about 5 give-or-take so I'm unsure of most of the details. Every single week I remember all winning the prize of a £1 coin. I knew I was smartest, and the one who'd win every week because I was always listening and trying my hardest.

A new girl came into the class called Robin. I remember nothing about Robin except that the moment she came in, I was no longer the best. From then on, no matter how hard I tried or listened she kept getting the pound coin and I was deparately disappointed in myself.

In the present day, I'm not sure I'm the 'best' at anything I do. If I sat and picked out everything I enjoy or things I do, I could immediately tell you somebody who was better/faster/more knowledgable than me at it.

That's no reason to be threatened by others or disappointed at yourself in. I think it's important to encourage others to do what they enjoy rather than what they can be the best at. If you trained for 10 years to be 100m champion, in a few years somebody else would get your medal and you'd go back down to not being the best again.

The point is sometimes we lose sight of what's important, and what ultimately leads to our happiness. If we all were completely comfortable in ourselves then I believe competitions would be a lot less popular. You don't need a title or a trophy to be proud of yourself.

I like to think that at the things I enjoy I am good at. I've referees which could tell you how good I am and I could pull out certificates to tell you so. But I've started to learn that to truely be good at something you enjoy - you have to truely enjoy it and not do it for some sort of recognition.

Take this blog, I get very few comments and a fair amount of views. I could run myself down and say 'What's the point, nobody is reading this' or 'I'm not as good as X, Y or Z at this' but then I'd be doing it for others for glory - instead of doing it for myself but maybe giving others some solace.

If we let a sense of glory and pride take over our minds then we're just being so untrue to ourselves.

Live and love, don't always try to be the best.

Failing to learn, learning to fail.

No matter what we do in life it seems there's always something to learn. Even if you're not in education or further education - you'll have to learn.

You'll learn in a job, in social situations, in Church, in driving lessons, learning a musical instrument, bringing up a child, organising a wedding, moving house. Whether practical, mental, or physical we will never in our lives stop learning.

Also as we get further in our constant learning, we will come to teach others what we know - most likely unprofessionally. This is important. I find it's so easy to get caught up with what you don't know and you forget how far you've come.

It's likely that from time to time you'll meet people who think they have superiority over you, as they know more about a certain aspect of something - or they've accomplished something you're still trying to accomplish. Push it to the side and remember that you may be the one making yourself feel inferior.

Don't punish yourself and remember all you can do is keep trying. You will fail many times, and you will fail 10 times more than you ever though you could until you almost hate yourself for trying. But once you stop trying then you will have let it beat you. You will have let people beat you.

You have your whole life to accomplish tasks. Nothing will be taken away from you because you didn't accomplish things quick enough. Nothing will be taken away from you because you didn't do it first time around.

Don't forget what you have achieved, and always stay true to yourself.

TRUST yourself.

I only say all this because I know it's true and I wish my heart and the pit of my stomach would believe it too sometimes.

I miss my favourite boys.

And if you're wondering what next year looks like...

A year on reflection.

I remember this time last year being in a pretty dark place, an even darker place than I'd been in the previous year and a half. I was severely lost and had nobody around me that was planning to stick with me, apart from my family of course.

I'd broken up with my boyfriend of six months, and I was finally free of the people I'd be longing to escape from. I was on the edge of new possibility, and with my first university choice being Queens University, a choice which wasn't mine - I felt like I'd continue on this road.

I knew if I went to that university I'd still be exactly the same person one year on. I'd have lived in the same place, same friends (or lack of) same everything really and I so badly craved change. I was never as blessed than the day I found out that I wouldn't be going to Queens, I'd be moving out of my house and into a new life.

Initially I was even more scared than before and I felt unbelievably unsafe. I had no netting below me and there was so much before me I'd never experienced. It was something I'd always wanted top do but never thought I would.

As time came close to the big move, I became less scared and more excited about what I was about to go into.

At first it wasn't easy. I was living with three girls - my worst nightmare. One of which bullied me basically the whole year, the other which followed the bully. The remaining housemate alienated herself and later moved out with allegations of sectarianism from the bully of the house.

Despite all this I remained optimistic. Aside from the people I lived with, everybody I met were lovely, genuine fun people. The people that are in TV shows and in books of literature. I found solace in the friends I found.

I found a best friend. A boy who played computer games and sat up late at night with me talking about life and what we wanted to achieve. We could laugh, and cry and be angry together. Of course there were obstacles, but we overcame them all and we were always so strong in our friendship that nothing shook us. We're those people whose names gel together as we do everything together.

I found a boyfriend. A boy who had long hair and played electric guitar. We started off rocky and got smoother and we went on, usually it's the other way round! He got on with said best friend and we could all sit together all day watching movies and cooking dinner like everything I ever wanted. He kissed me until the morning light and we had the best time of our lives.

I found more friends who give me such a sense of belonging and well being. We went to many parties, and met more people than I knew existed. Everyday was a new adventure and nothing could break us apart. We went out and the music was so loud it was like all our heartbeats beating together.

I've laughed until I couldn't breathe on the floor a million times with so many different people, and it's scary to think that I'd not have met these people if I hadn't of stepped out and found them by myself. I relied on myself and what I could do, and I reaped the benefits.

I am so thankful I met these people, and I am so glad that one year on I am a completely developed person. I have grown in confidence and in faith. I have learned about friendship and relationships. I've let go of my past and held onto future prospects.

Best year ever.

Fat mice make me happy.

Matching photographs.

I'm finding that more and more,

All I want to do is to look people straight in the eye and just say

''GROW UP.''

I know how you feel if,

• You've been let down by every single friend you were depending on at exactly the same time.
• You've failed and failed over and over again that you're the only one left that believes in you.
• You've been spat on by Christains, claiming to be doing the Lords work.
• You've been in the loser crowd in school.
• You've filled your mind with literature so you can feel somebody elses pain as if it's your own.
• You've been victimised, by the victims.
• You only learned to love yourself when nobody else thought you were worth it.
• You were always the one who got the 'bad luck'; braces, ashma, health problems, hospital stays for weeks.
• You were a late bloomer and used to lie about your experience with the opposite sex when you'd really not even held a hand.
• You took out all your anger on your Mum to find out she was always the most loyal to you.
• You've been replaced multiple times by a so-called 'best friend'
• You were told you could never do it, but worked hard to prove yourself right.
• You have dreams which you're not even sure how to accomplish.
• You were always the ugly one, always.
• You were always second best.

The past was never that kind to me. This year, I had the best year of my life and I wouldn't have changed anything about it. I really believe that that was because of what I'd went through in my past which made me know what I want, and what I don't want.

If any of these apply to you, then remember you're never, ever, ever alone.
And if you feel like you are look up and remember that you're always loved, and that the earth was never any good to the one who deserved it most.

.

...and today I felt like I was absolutely nowhere.

The Past.

I'm the most emotional person I've ever met. I get upset, I dwell, I overreact, I have feelings about everything and I get offended over nothing. I get hurt at nothing, and the least little thing can absolutely make my day. It's a vulnerable position to put yourself in and not one you can simply walk out of.

Today after Church I went to tea with two of my friends and we talked for 2 hours over bagels, french toast and raspberry scones. I figured out how much I'd taken these people for granted. We spoke about so many different things. We were talking about struggle and success, missionary work, future plans, heartbreak, feeling like a failure, and everything in between. I suddenly realised how great these people were, and I was pretty mad at myself for not relishing in their good intentions and shining hearts.

I came home and got talking to my Mum about some of these things. I was talking about a particular struggle of mine that never fails to put me into tears. She was talking with comfort but it all just upset me more. She stopped, looked at me straight in the
eye and said

''You can't live in the past, you can't even think about the past. The past will eat you up, and if you let it, it will always bring you down.''

I knew she was right and I continued to cry automatically,m even thought I felt better, and I felt unbelievably lucky to have such great people in my life. People who can not judge on mistakes, failures or poor judgment. People who delight in you because of who you are rather than what you've done.

I think today was a breakthrough in many ways. I realised how much I missed a lot of people, and how much I can get out of life by trusting in the trustworthy.

If I'm honest, sometimes I think about a best friend too far away from me and that's enough to make me feel like they'll never be beside me again. I find solace in the face I can text them, or phone them and realise that they'll always be beside me. I believe some of them will, and especially one of them will always be calling me a moose and telling me to wind my neck in - even if I'm 45 and my daughter is bringing home her too old-for-her boyfriend.

Sometimes letting go is the easiest thing to say. The easiest way to do is to look at what you have, and what you will have. Concentrate on your goals in a way that pushes you forward for want of success instead of a mind full of regrets which pull you backwards.

I miss you all, but I'll be with you soon.
I miss you so much I can't even tell you.

Mine's yours.

Individuality.

I think there's nothing more unattractive than somebody who is fighting very hard to be somebody who they're not meant to be. It's completely ridiculous and the way I see it - you're fighting a losing battle. You are who you are at the end of the day it's probably who you've always been.

People love individuals. People who've been the best version of themselves and this is recognised because there is a quality in them, which is specific to them.

Today I was in work and I was having an awful day. I texted my best friend with a picture of a bun I'd made. He replied saying it was very cute. I replied saying that due to my awful day - I was taking that to be a 'Janine you're cute', rather than a 'Your bun is cute.' His reply was 'Your bun is cute, but you are beautiful.'

I don't know why that related to individuality, but I just wanted to brag that he's the nicest person in the world sometimes.

I love this.

Isaiah 60:5

Frank McCourt.

Frankie died a few days ago, and it really shook me.

Now nobody close to me has ever died, and although he wasn't a personal friend of mine - it kinda felt like he was. He was such an inspiration to me and his literature filled my eyes with both laughter and tears at once whilst he humoured having no money to speak of and having a father who when he wasn;t drinking the dole, was glueing bike tyres onto the bottom of his shoes.

I don't really like Harry Potter, or Twilight, or trashy romance novels, but I love what Frank McCourt contributed to this world of literature through having nothing and still valuing his family and his past even though he got so much success out of his book 'Angelas Ashes' which he published at his retirement age.

I will really miss him, and his books.

I am just so grateful I have his three books sitting in my house which I can read over and over again, and that's such a special thing.

I miss you, Frankie.

I've got a feeling,

That today is ''one of those days''.

But I'm putting on a smile and selling some uniforms.

Summer, and how it's fading.

I was so sad standing in Atlantic Court on the day we had to move out. All my friends were packing their stuff into their parents cars. We all assembled in front of a tree and got our picture taken with a Polaroid camera while we prepared to spend practically three months without each other.

I wanted to spend my summer with these people, in our white houses. I wanted to wake up everyday and be surrounded my my friends and spend every night talking about life, the world and what we all wanted to achieve, but of I knew that I had to leave as well.

Stupid regrets where going in my head, about the friends I should have made - but didn't, and the friends I shouldn't have made - but did. I didn't take enough pictures of the best times and I should have went out at every opportunity available to me.

All these things are basically nothing to worry about, as of course my year wasn't going to be absolutely perfect, but those things made it what it was and allowed me to have the best year of my life and meet the best people out there.

From the moment go, summer never really interested me - I didn't want time off. I wanted what I had for 9 months constantly. I knew I'd go home and it'd be me alone a lot of the time, and travelling a lot to spend time with only one person. It was a depressing thought.

I decided as soon as I got home that I did want to do something with my time. First on my list was a job. I was nineteen and I'd still never worked a day in my life which I got paid for, and I felt horribly inexperienced. I knew that when I was looking for a job they'd look at my youth work, they'd look at my grades and I'd look like a possible candidate until they looked at the big empty 'Previous Employment' section.

So when I got the job, I was really happy and felt satisfied that now I would begin making my own money, and start being very self-sufficient so that my parents money was for them, and I knew they deserved to have their own money. It also felt great to be capable of doing a job which helped people, and made a different even just to their day. It allowed me to work on my attitude, and if nothing else prepared me for working when I get a proper career job.

So I've been working there 3 full weeks, and I've earned 300pound in the first two. It may not seem much, but it's a big thing for me. In the next few weeks I'll be working up to 40 hours a week, creating a surplus in my bank account which I will spend hopefully on a little holiday with David at the start of September before we return to university life again.

Summer so far for me has been okay. Working away, and David coming up to stay for a while a good few times. I've also met up with everybody from university a few times and those times have reminded me of how much fun we have together and the bonds between us over the summer have only grown.

Summer used to be a lot more than it is now. Late nights, and playing in the streets until the milkmen came. Adventures everyday and family holidays to foreign countries. However, when times move on, so do we. We have to adapt. Now we have to travel, we have to create our own money, we have to make a lot of effort to be social and it's not handy or easy.

Sometimes we have to do what we don't want, to get what we do want. I'm enjoying summer, and working through it so I can fund the brilliant times ahead and maybe pay for something I want very desperately!

Hopefully I'll accomplish things! I'll let you know. :)

I hope you're all enjoying summer, and doing something constructive with your time!

Letters that will never be sent.

This is how it works; write some statements or 'letters' to some people that were, or still are in your life. You do not disclose who any of the statements are about. You use this as a way of expressing emotions to these people.

1. My goodness, some days you're so touchy and you actually go out looking to be offended just so you have something to complain about. Newsflash; not EVERYBODY is out to get you.
2. I remember those talks we had, about everything that we could ever talk about. You'd talk to everybody and anybody and you ran around with the biggest smile and nothing got in your way. You really inspired me in way I was always too embarrased to tell you about. I know you'll succeed in life, and you deserve it. You bring sunshine to everybody you know.
3. You're exactly the person I never ever want to be.
4. I am so lucky to have you in my life, and I never tire of your stories. :)
5. You're doing so great, and have given me a lot of opportunities because of your nature and friendship. Thank you, and I hope we'll be friends for a good while yet.
6. I honestly don't know if I could live without you. Kinda need you around for a million different reasons.
7. Although sometimes I complain about silly things that you do - you're one of the best people I know. You have an outstanding heart, even if you have problems expressing it to me sometimes.
8. Sometimes I get into situations where I know you'd know exactly what to say to me. It's makes me really sad that you'll never be around, and I know I'm the one to blame.
9. I'm glad you have confidence in me now, I know now I can succeed in what you're helping me with.
10. I'm really glad I never have to see you again, to be quite honest.
11. I wish I looked like you, I think you're absolutely gorgeous.

My Backwards Walk

i'm working on drawing a straight line
and i'll draw until i get one right
it's bold and dark girl, can't you see
i'm done drawn a line between you and me

i'm working on erasing you
i just don't have the proper tools
i get hammered, forget that you exist
there's no way i'm forgetting this

i'm working hard on walking out
my shoes keep sticking to the ground
my clothes won't let me close the door
these trousers seem to love your floor

i've been working on my backwards walk
there's nowhere else for me to go
except back to you just one last time
say yes before i change my mind

HA.

Don't hold on if you should be letting go.

Relationships end, and relationships begin. Sometimes we forget that.

Sometimes the friendships we're in seem like they're always going to be there, however we treat the other person. We think we can give a friendship a backseat and it'll be a strong as it ever was. But that means we've grown up in the time we've spent without the friend and we may be growing apart from them.

I'm very conscious about not letting go of people, and I tend to attach myself emotionally to the positon of the person I have a relationship with. I believe you should not let go of a friendship unless it's completely unavoidable, or if you're the only one making all the effort. But sometimes it's vital to let go, and not hold on 'til the point it's causing you a lot of pain desparately trying to hold on.

A friend of mine broke up with her boyfriend recently. It was a mutual decision and quite appropiately made, but for some reason it had really shocked me. Both parties were lovely people, both were going places, and seemed completely into each other and had claimed they loved each other in thier short relationship.

I think the problem with me, is that love for me is the end of relationships. Love for me is that I've found the one person that I can love and that will forever love me back. It's not a case of a guy who I love, break up with, and find a new guy to fall in love with in the next few months.

Of course I understand that relationships have problems and may end up being broken by many different things, and that even if there is love, love does not automatically solve all the broken pieces in the relationship - but it must help a great deal.

I just hope that the decisions people made to end relationships are well thought out and meditated. They'd need to be as it's too precious to let anybody fall out of your hands. I guess it's even more important to know that you will be forced to let go when you don't want to but you really do need to.

Remember that life is temporary.

Beauty is judged by the size of your heart, not the size of your jeans.

Don't ever let anybody ever stump your creativity.

I've met a lot of people in my life who tried to make me make decisions which I wasn't prepared to take. I've met even more people who have really tried to bring me down on decisions I'd already made.

I've been ridiculed for picking English as the subject which I would like to create a career from. I was told by a lot of people that I should do Occupational Therapy or Podiatry. That way I'd be guaranteed a job and I wouldn't have a 'Mickey Mouse' degree that didn't really point me anywhere.

I'll take this example and lead it forward as it's the best example I can come up with.

I guess my decision was based on my immense passion and flair for the subject, and even though I wasn't top of the class, and it seemed unclear to others why I was picking English, it was apparent to me, that I think I'd only be happy working in a career filled with reading and possibly one day writing literature.

However it's not even as simple as that. Often people try to take your achievements, your passion or even your calling and belittle them into mediocre things that not even aren't a big deal, but are actually minus marks against you. How ludicrous!

Be proud of who you are no matter what the cost, do what you want even though some people will always try to see the bad points. In the end, it is only with yourself and what satisfaction you get from your career, or your achievements you've worked hard to achieve. Don't ever let anybody get you down or make you doubt yourself, or the decisions you've made.

Your creativity, your thoughts and your achievements are the things that make you unique and the things that will end up helping you make important decision that couldn't be made by outsiders opinions. Your own creativity is something that nobody else (despite mimicking your flair or stealing your ideas) can ever take away from you.

Don't ever let anybody ever stump your creativity; It's the only thing you truely own.

I feel like I should've written this.

Confidence boosts.

Confidence boosts comes in different sizes and different levels of intensities.

Sometimes a good day gets a confidence boost, where as a bad day has the opposite effect. You can get a massive confidence boost by a stranger telling you that you're lovely or by meeting a new person who compliments you straight away.

Confidence makes us feel like we're the best version of ourselves and we're capable of doing things and accomplishing what we've set out to do.

I recently started a new job, and I was applying left right and center and I was very unconfident about whether I was going to get anything. I got an interview for a job and went in there as the person I was, I didn't put on an act, and I spoke (perhaps nervously but) confidently and I left and felt good about how I answered the questions. However I was aware that I had no retail experience at all, and most of the people applying would have the experience - so really all I had going for me what who I was as a person.

I was told I'd get a call on Monday or Tuesday. So there I was barely leaving the house in case they rung. Monday passed, Tuesday passed, and Wednesday passed. I realised that I hadn't got the job, and it was completely understandable as I was a nineteen year old that hadn't had a job at all and had little to no experience needed for the position.

So I was running about getting myself in gear for a volunteer work filled summer. Organising working in a lovely little bookshop I've grown to love for the few 7 years. i had done just two shifts in the book shop when I got a phone call from the company who gave me that interview.

The phone call was to say that I had in fact got the job! I was doing 30 hours the next week and I was really delighted and surprised! So on Tuesday there, my first day I was speaking to my now co-worker who informed me that out of over 20 interviews I was the only one to be employed. I was absolutely gobsmacked!

Further into the conversation she was able to tell me that she'd took my number and gave it to the manager saying that I seemed like 'a lovely wee girl' and somebody who sounded like I'd be very nice to work with. My number was passed on and in interview I apparently showcased the same qualities that were picked out earlier on. It was such a confidence boost!

The lesson to me was that I should never lose confidence in myself and think that I'm not good enough for something. I really think that we all should trust in what we can do, and that our qualities outshine our lack of experience. We should never allow ourselves to feel inferior, when all we have to do is be the best version of ourselves and it's enough for others to see what we can achieve and how we can achieve it.

Oh and, it always helps to be lovely. :)

Just don't ever call me 'Mrs Cullen'

HA.

The Bucket List.

A bucket list is a list of things which you would like to do before you die, as dying is sometimes described as 'Kicking the Bucket.' Here are mine, they are in no order.

10. Go on a Mission Trip for at least 6 months.

As a Christian I believe that going on missions to spread God's love to those who have never heard of the Gospel is extremely important and rewarding. I also believe that it would help me grow in my own faith and be extremely grateful for the life I have here.

9. Live outside of Northern Ireland.

I'm unsure the circumstances of which I would like to live outside of Northern Ireland, or how long for. Maybe I will move for career opportunities, a change of scenery or even to fulfill a desire I don't have currently. However I would hate to die knowing that I've lived in the exact same place my whole life - I need to explore and have my own freedom. I also believe that living not at your birth home will broaden your cultural horizons.

8. Give a motivation speech.

I've always been a fan of advice, and I'd really love to give that to some people who want to here it. I'd love to tell of my experiences to the younger generation in order to give them non-patronising advice but the key to true happiness and fulfillment.

7. Get Married and have children.

A common want that most people(especially women) aspire to be and to have. To me, a family situation is the ideal and I believe that this is the circumstances in which I'd be happiest. With love comes happiness, and without love there would certainly be no life.

6. Get on a random plane and go wherever it takes you.

I'm a huge fan of impromptu moments, and although the idea scares me, and of course it could go completely wrong but the idea of going somewhere completely unknown (unless you ended in Cornwall :P) is exciting and I would still want to have the aspect of mystery in my life as well as the comfortable.

5. Write my own novel.

When I say this, it comes with certain criteria. Have you ever heard a band saying they are 'in it for the music'? Well that's would I would be in the writing world for - 'for the writing'. I would just want to write something that would matter to somebody. If I ever write a novel that some girl or guy picks up reads and it expands their minds into thinking differently, or moves them to act differently - I've completed my goal. Success doesn't matter to me and I don't aspire to be a best-seller.

In fact, I can think nothing worse than writing a trashy romance novel about some business woman falling in love with a builder. I would barely even call that a novel, never mind literature.

4. Become fluent in a language.

Preferably French, or Japanese. I'd love to go to a country and speak to the residents comfortably. Plus I'd feel a lot more cultured. :P

3. Be able to play the guitar properly, and write a good song.

Self-expression is very important and very flexible but I've always been interested in musical and I find I've little talent or commitment to be able to be successful as a musician and I hope that one day I will be. :)

2. Have my own fridge, which dispenses ice.

It's my mark that I've made it.

1. Own my own house, and to be happy with it.

For my children to grow up, and be with other children and have the security and comfort of a lovely house.

Super Mario.

I miss playing Super Mario with boys and wearing Gladiator sandals as I bomb the castles.

Some inspiration.

I was walking in an empty kitchen with too many thoughts fighting for first place when I thought about a few words which help me prioritise them. I was going to write them down but instead I thought I'd write down what inspired me, rather than what I was inspired to write;


Lyrics to "Everybody is free to wear sunscreen" by Baz Luhrman

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '97,

Wear sunscreen. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis or reliable then my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice....now.


Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth.
Oh, nevermind, you won't understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded, but trust me in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.


Don't worry about the future, or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.


The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind: the kind that blindsides you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.


Do one thing every day that scares you.


Sing.


Don't be reckless with other people's hearts; don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.


Floss.


Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.


Remember compliments you receive; forget the insults. (if you succeed in doing this, tell me how).


Keep your old love letters; throw away your old bank statements.


Stretch.


Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives; some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.


Get plenty of Calcium. Be kind to your knees -- you'll miss them when they're gone.


Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't.


Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40;
maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary.


Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself,
either. Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's.


Enjoy your body: use it every way you can! Don't be afraid of it or what other
people think of it; it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.


Dance...even if you have no where to do it but in your own living room.


Read the directions (even if you don't follow them).


Do not read beauty magazines; they will only make you feel ugly.


Get to know your parents; you never know when they'll be gone for good.


Be nice to your siblings: they're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.


Understand that friends come and go, but what a precious few should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps and geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.


Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard.


Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.


Travel!


Accept certain inalienable truths: prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old; and when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.


Respect your elders.


Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse, but you never know when either one might run out.


Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you are 40, it will look 85.


Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia; dispensing it is a way of wishing the past from the disposal--wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts, and recycling it for more than it's worth.


But trust me, I'm the sunscreen.

Dying to be thin.

We've all had times where we have hated what we've looked like. I know I've looked at myself in the mirror and I can tell you a detail I don't like about every body part. Are my standards too high? Or am I too weak to strive towards my own level of beauty.

Recently on a day where I felt awful about my own body and weight, I stumbled upon a few pictures, and a few sites which put my own thoughts into overdrive. These girls have lives' which are completely dominated by eating one apple, cut into 6 pieces (2 pieces for breakfast, lunch and dinner to 'trick' the body into thinking it has 3 meals ), they aspire to be thin and nothing else.

On this particular website there is a section speaking about '40 Reasons not to Eat'. The wording is important. They do not want to lose weight, or cut down on fatty foods - they want to stop eating altogether which is completely ridiculous and horrifically demanding on willpower of the individual.

Here's a few of these 'reasons'

• You will be FAT if you eat today. Just put it off one more day.


• Guys will want to get to know you, not laugh at you and walk away.


• Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.


• When you start to get dizzy and weak, you're almost there.

They KNOW it's wrong, and they KNOW their bodies will rebel, become weak and they won't be able to function. However, their goal is a warped sense of beauty, a desire to be labelled as beautiful by men, and by others.

In an attempt to see if thin is what is valued by the opposite sex, I asked two males. Both of which said they would prefer a thin person rather than fat person. I was intrigued and asked them to define what they seen as thin/fat and I was linked to a few pictures of women found on google.

These women were basically women which clinically would be described as overweight or underweight - which was surprising. However even when I linked these guys to pictures on these websites picturing girls with thighs the same width and their calves they said that they were beautiful. This threw everything back up into the air.

I linked them to these sites where there was a pep talk including lines like;

''You know that if you go and eat right now, you will end up standing over the
toilet, puking it all up until you see blood and water and your stomach is
aching.''

They quickly said that this lifestyle was obsessive and unrealistic, but they still didn't deny that the thin bodies were beautiful, but I did start to get more comments like ''A good body doesn't have to be a thin body'', ''Being comfortable with your body is the most important thing'' and even ''Actually i find girls with a few extra pounds cute''

It seems that the result of not eating(or eating one apple a day) is appealing and attractive to men, but the process of starving, obsessing, and throwing up until blood and water are forced out of thier bodies brings these males back to rational thought - then they start to claim that extra pounds are cute.

Of course you will find men who like thin girls, and guys who like curvy girls but I believe there's a method in the madness which seems to say that men like somebody who looks healthy. If you looked at this psychologically - it has been suggested that men like curvy women because subconsciously they think that thier bodies would be an appropriate shape to bear children with. That and historically the sex symbol that is Marilyn Monroe had very wide hips that may translate to size 16 in UK dress sizes.

However some people think that those pictures are the definition are beautiful, but I can assure you than these people are not naturally this size. What do you think is beautiful, and have you ever thought about why you think that, or what has influenced you to think that? Because it might be worth it.

New friends, old friends, and forever friends.

It's no secret that I've been treated like a doormat before when it comes to friendships. I believe that I'm loyal in friendships and when somebody is obviously is moving on and pushing me away, instead of letting them go and moving on - I hang on for dear life because I value the friendship so much.

However that didn't change anything. I got hurt and the other party moved on, despite my refusal to do so myself.

It's hard to realise what friendships will last and which will fade when it's not easy to keep in contact. We can only give each other time and sometimes when we move on, we do leave people behind - and that's not necessarily a bad thing.

I have friends I've had since I was no age. Friends who if I seen in town I'd go and have lunch with and there would be no awkwardness at all that we hadn't spoken in a period of time. I also have ex-friend who if I seen due to the kind of person they are I've decided I don't want in my life as they just caused destruction and pain when they were in my life.

I'm at a period in my life now where I'm surrounded by friends. In September I'll be living with 4 of them with all the others living very close by and I'll be going to parties with these people, doing shopping, watching movies and bitching about bills and running out of money.

Whilst I'll be having a great time, I can tell you now that some of these people I won't see in 5 years. Maybe I'll catch them in the street one day and have lunch, or maybe we'll walk past each other (hopefully not!). To me it's not important who will last, and I won't separate myself from those who in my mind I won't have lasting friendship with.

I believe in living for the moment. I believe in having as much fun as I can in the time I'm in the minute as tomorrow or next year I won't have these people beside me, and I'll have different ones to share my joys with.

Amongst these thoughts though, I know in my heart that some of these people will be in my life for a very long time because I believe in thier loyalty and I've seen it when our friendship isn't easy to continnue with. I see thier efforts, I see how much they care for me and love me. The future plans are a wish for us both.

I look forward to having lasting friendship, but I look forward to having a great time with all those around me, and growing with these people as they shape me to who I will be in future.

I love my friends. :)

Say you'll share with me - One love, One lifetime.

Some little things I miss about university.

• Being the only girl in the room.
• Playing SNES, and being the best at Mario.
• Gerald wanting to be the girl monkey in DK.
• Catherine 15, always persuading us to 'have a wee drink'
• David 'I can see your FAT HAND!' and doing impressions of it endlessly afterwards.
• Cloghda coming in for a fire drill and shouting 'YOU HAVE TO PHYSICALLY GO OUTSIDE.
• Rowan's impression of this.
• Mine and Gerald's rooms always being a mess & David and Rowan ending up tidying them.
• The horses - especially the baby one.
• Talking to the horses each time we drove in or out.
• Shouting 'Love yoouuuuuuuuuu' when leaving to go anywhere.
• Talking about poos, in extreme detail.
• Gerald playing/singing 'Spellbound' ALL THE TIME.
• Alanis Morrisette lyrics.
• Rowan singing 'My humps'
• Getting ready to go out and taking and hour and a half less time than Gerald.
• Getting Photobooth photos taken.
• A large Sprite Zero and large Hot Nuts at the cinema.
• Always being late for the cinema, every Tuesday.
• Kiwis.
• Strawberries with David.
• Giving David my key when we go out.
• Going out!
• Drinking in 15 with everybody in the world before we go out.
• That pizza I got outside Tracks!
• Micro noodles when you're tired.
• Gerald having a million pepper sauces.
• FROZEN SUKIES!
• ICE LOLLIES!
• Dominos pizza BOGOF!
• Eating chicken with rice and sauce every night.
• Gerald patting the chicken.
• Making fun of the way David says 'phone', 'alone' and 'wee in'
• Making fun of how Gerald says 'turn' 'EACHOA!'
• Making fun of my youtube videos!
• Being stared at whenever we come into/go out of the court.
• Putting all our coppers in a box.
• Planning to bake buns.
• Fries for all.
• KFC!!
• People telling me they love my fashion style, all the time.
• Flat parties.
• Disgusting Lemon Vodka Shots.
• Doing the two fingers behind each others backs.
• Picking up on each others phrases. ''What you lookin' ''
• Calling people mooses.
• Making fat jokes.
• Not going to class, ever.
• M&S dinner for two.
• Glasses of wine.
• Watching movies with the 4 of us on the sofa.
• MARIO PARTY!
• WARIO INC!!!!
• Dinner for 14 at the Water Margin.
• The Giants Causeway.
• Two people in a single bed.
• Having naps during the day.
• Gerald's deep voice when he's hungover.
• Mum hiding biscuits in my bags.
• Texting whilst in the same room.
• Questions that start with 'What would you do if...?' ending in stupid scenarios like 'you walked in and shadow had eaten his own leg?'
• Shadow being in my room, and waking me up during the night by biting his cage.
• 'Janine, I wish Zombies/Vampires/Pokemon were real.'
• Everything being thrown around my room, causing many glasses to be broken.
• Living with Gerald.
• Buying 10 Ribena Spark at a time from Poundstretchers.
• Subways.
• Cloud ice cream.
• Ben and Jerrys from the tub watching Anime.

Can't wait until next year!

Plus one minus one.

Social etiquette is strange.

Have you ever been in a group of people, whether your best friends, friends or even just associates where the group dynamic is comfortable and functional, only for it to change because of an additional person added, or a change in a certain person?

I admit it's a long question but one which I think you may be able to relate to. You see recently, over the past few months a circle which I was involved with changed in dynamic due to a particular person.

This person I did not have any problem with at all, and reacted positively to this change in the group. However, I found that their reaction to me was somehow different. They were hesitant to talk to me individually, and when I spoke in conversation I was unacknowledged to a point where it was uncomfortable to talk to those people when this particular person was around.

I sat away from the group and started to socialise with those which I had maybe spoke to less due to my social 'clique' and I was able to realise how much I'd relied on a few people for conversation. It was refreshing.

On further contemplation I realised that I needed to sort an issue out here. Was I being paranoid? Did the person generally not like me? Was I the only one noticing?

Today I came in and I realised after speaking with my group for about 20 minutes that this person was nowhere about. I looked around and found her with her boyfriend over the other side of the room and she hadn't moved the whole time.

I felt oddly liberated. My friends were there for me throughout all the time where I sacrificed them due to one person who managed to make me feel intimated.

This reminds me of a quote that says

"No one can make you feel inferior without your permission...Never give it."

I know it's hard sometimes to have confidence when we're feeling our weakest but that's when our confidence makes a real difference. We should never sacrifice anything that makes us happy over something so trivial and unimportant.

And if that girl does someday come back into our group - it will not faze me. I look forward to facing it and trying to make a new friend.