You look at me, it's like you've hit me with lightning.

It's a bit hard to handle.

Letters.

1. I think you're really genuine, and you've got just the personality which makes me want to run around the city showing you all my favourite places. I'm scared you're not that person, and I don't want to be disappointed, not by you.
2. I like that we're getting closer and I like that no matter how many of my rants, mental breakdowns or emotional extremities I press upon you you always comfort me and make me feel good about myself and my abilities.
3. You're kind of my rock, and you never fail to make me laugh. I hope to be with you forever, and ever.
4. I actually hate that there's a small part of me that only you understand, and only you find endearing.
5. I think you're absolutely adorable, and I'm scared to put to much expectation on you because I've known you for such a minuscule amount of time. Your sense of humour is right on the button too, you make me do that goofy laugh. :)
6. You make me feel very awkward, I wish you'd stop trying so hard.
7. It's difficult for us to hang out more often, and I wish it wasn't because you're actually an awesome person, I would love if you made the effort into being a really great friend.
8. You unbelievable bitch.
9. I really doubt the truth in some of the things you say, but I know better than to bring it up so I'm trying hard to convince myself to believe what you tell me. What you say, and your actions contradict each other very much.
10. It hurts me because I can still really see how much you're hurting, but you know if I walked into your life it'd just get more complicated and we'd end up hating each other. I just hope that that facade you have up won't stop you from achieving real (and true)happiness.
    

Simplicity.

Sometimes I feel like life can creep up to you, it can tear you apart one minute and the next you're laughing so much your dimples are sore and you don't think you've ever been happier. I know that's life, but I feel some people feel a bit more emotional instability than others. Some people can remain happy whatever happens to them, others have to live in the moment to be happy.

It got me thinking to why we do things, and why we should do them. We do things for others, so we'll look smart, so we'll look attractive. However you get in those moments when you're just... happy and you don't need to pretend or exaggerate. You can just eat all the popcorn, or laugh so loud and long you forgot why it was so funny in the first place or run out into 8 inches of snow in your slippers and announce that everybody now has to get ready to build an epic snowman. You can spend your whole life making up things, making up emotions and finding reasons to justify what you do. In the end your happiness is what matters, and your happiness should be reason enough to want to do anything.

Things that annoy me.

1. When anybody puts 'xo's at the end of sentences.
2. Terrible grammar.
3. Customers who shout at you for something which is 100% not your fault.
4. Over the top Christmas decorations.
5. When you're really hungry, then eat a huge meal and immediately feel obese.
6. That feeling when leaving somewhere that you've forgotten something.
7. Christmas music/shops in October.
8. Never having your hair sit right, and not knowing how to do it nice.
9. Over-coupe-ly couples, especially when you're alone with them.
10. When you buy something special for yourself, and somebody eats it.
11. Messages off social networking sites of males saying 'hi hws u sxc?'
12. When your phone battery dies suddenly.
13. Music snobs.

Couple Season.

It's couple season, and it's family season. It's the season where you're dying to cuddle up in blankets and duvets with a hot water bottle. I once read in an article that summer is the season to be single; you have loads of free time to be with your friends, have a holiday romance abroad, work and go out dancing. You feel free and the hot weather lets you able to do what you want with your time.

In juxtaposition this time of the year is when the wild parties and smiling group pictures have turned into a scene at the end of Love Actually. Firstly in this situation the couple would meet maybe about September/October/November, which corresponds with the start of school/tech/uni. I have found this to be very true, as most of the people I know were single at the beginning of term but now seem to have paired off with each other. This means when the really cold weather comes, when the snow falls people have somebody to share it with romantically. When Christmas comes people are buying each other cinnamon lattes at coffee stalls and eating boxing day sandwiches with leftover turkey. When New Year comes they have somebody to kiss on the bridge under the fireworks, and hold hands waiting for the new year to bless them with more time together. When February comes they head to Clinton's and buy an over sized teddy bear holding a heart and go out to dinner.

Couple season can be nice and can be sparkling. But something about it seems a bit overdone, a bit desperate and dare I say it... a bit pathetic. We define our relationships by how long we've been together, how many times we say 'I love you', how much time we spend together. I just think that the best way to define a really good relationship is being strong enough to challenge each other, experience each other and see the world. We shouldn't get into relationships because it's convenient, or because if we're not we'll feel worthless or unattractive.

We've already been in relationships, we have to be realistic and realise our next relationship will have the butterflies but it will have elements of annoyance, jealousy and days of wanting to be single all over again. It's important to not get caught up with the lovey dovey tripe that's sometimes translated over to us and think about a realistic relationship we might someday get ourselves into.

And remember to always to keep dancing, and keep your spirits up. Or the New Year months will tear you apart.

Emotional update.

I was wading through a week of blurred emotions and strange change I wasn't sure if I approved of, and I coped with it by having a good few heart to hearts with somebody close to my own. Trying to organise my emotions, wants and needs; we swapped laughable stories and stories which we'd never even thought about saying out loud.

You see you can mask your emotions, or you can choose not to acknowledge them at all. You can belittle them, or you can minimise them completely. Sometimes if you keep sweeping them under the carpet you forget they could be brought out and examined, or shared and comforted. Sometimes they swell under the surface and slowly everybody starts to see them when you're trying your best to keep them under wraps. But you gotta live.

You gotta find out what makes you feel alive and you have to grasp it and feel it as much as you possibly can. Fill yourself up to the brim with excitement and love for your own life. Because those moments and those people define your life and give it the whole reason why you're working to achieve your happiness. Otherwise why bother?

I guess you just need to have hours long heart to hearts which somebody who knows exactly what you mean on your bed until you both fall asleep for it to come clear that you're not alone.
...and that you've done the right thing. ...and that you won't feel like this forever.

Almost everything I wish I'd said last time I seen you.

I said sit down with me before you go

That's the wrong thing I know

But I don't know when I will see you again and it gets so lonely...

See you'd be foolish if you stayed here now

Maybe if you leave we could work it out

Cos i know the city only breaks you down and it gets you lonely

See its gonna get lonely so you miss the feeling when you step outside

Yeah your mind comes all untied and then you open up your eyes and you don't feel lonely

You see it feels bad now, but it's going to get better,

You see it feels bad now, but it's going to get better,

You see it feels bad now but it's going to get better... someday.

It's really something.

1. Clifford in Top Taxis.
2. Drives home on Fridays singing at the top of our lungs.
3. My carebear hoody.
4. Doing essays at midnight in library surrounded by your classmates and taking a walk around the library to chat with them and feeling like such a student.
5. Tesco.com
6. Rapping to Stan in the chippy with Gerald.
7. Calling our house 'sexy eight'
8. Having 'facebook' breaks during essays.
9. Raking Aoife about eating stir-frys all the time.
10. Duck Sauce - Barbara Streisand, and shouting each others names out.
11. My 'Part-A' playlist.
12. Giant free lemonade frescados.
13. When there's loads of craic in work.
14. Constantly giving off about X factor yet continuing to watch it.
15. TOPS OFF.
16. Creepy McKernan, Moodkiller Henry.
17. Finding somebody just as drunk as you in the toilet and immediately becoming best friends.
18. Being in such a good mood that walking home in the rain inspires you.
19. Taking absolsutely ages in supermarkets looking at all the food.
20. Nutella and ice cream.

You see it feels bad now, but it's going to get better.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FiQo6DoXknY&feature=related

Absorb it.

I'm having one of those weeks, but today it's just absolutely heart-breaking. I feel like I'm throbbing in the middle of a crowded room and playing a tune in the middle of an library. I'm finding it so difficult to blend into the shadows and finding it difficult not to have a mental breakdown amidst students clutching their lattes and printed pages. I wish this was something I could choose NOT to talk about, something I could disguise and delete and not face up to. Something I could absorb alone with no judgement, raised eyebrows or comments from those I involved when I thought it was going to work out.

Instead I wish I could concentrate on what I have to do, on what I have to do well.

Absorb it, absorb it, absorb it.

Lyrics.

Say you're sorry
That face of an angel
Comes out just when you need it to
As I paced back and forth all this time
Cause I honestly believed in you

I should have known, I should have known

This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town,
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you
And your white horse, to come around

And there you are on your knees,
Begging for forgiveness, begging for me

Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well
This is a big world, that was a small town
There in my rearview mirror disappearing now
And its too late for you and your white horse
To catch me now.

Moments.

1. Having big dinners, and 12 people end up turning up for them. (It's not so funny when you're cooking though!)
2. The moment your online shopping comes.
3. Car trips to Gareths, and everybody getting a student special.
4. Laughing anytime somebody mentions the word 'come' or 'came'
5. Light Lunches from Dominos with Cat.
6. Singing really loudly on car trips home with Michael.
7. Playing 9 player Monopoly in my onesie.
8. Theme nights out and getting basically full outfits from Lisa.
9. Sid's green bandana.
10. Getting food delivered on Tuesdays after a very long day in uni.
11. Shouting 'Woooooh' when somebody comes out dressed ready to go out.
12. Shopping on ebay and constantly getting packages.
    

Hiya, Autumn.

This is the time of the year for the same song over and over and starting your morning with a lemsip. Life is good, it's cold and you've got an illness that won't shake but it's going good. Vanilla steamers in work with chocolate sprinkles and marshmallows makes getting up at 6am to work a lot easier. Re-watching old series in bed when you know you have assignments due and watching old movies with your family under blankets sums up night-times. You hoke out all your winter clothes and you always end up forgetting your gloves and putting your hands in your pockets instead. Music that slows down the world rather that livens it up becomes the music you play in the morning whilst picking out what hat to wear. It's that time of year again, the time you absolutely adore.

You gotta live.

I Hate Seagulls, by Kate Nash.

I have a friend

With whom I like to spend

Any time I can find with

I like sleeping in your bed

I like knowing what is going on inside your head

I like taking time and I like your mind

And I like when your hand is in mine

I like getting drunk on the dunes by the beach

I like picking strawberries

I like cream teas and I like reading ghost stories

And my heart skips a beat every time that we met

It's been a while and now your smile is almost like a memory

But then you're back and I am fine 'cause you're with me and I'm in love with you

And I can't find the words to make it sound unique

But honestly you make me strong

I can't believe I've found someone this kind

I hope you'll carry on'

Cause you're so nice and I'm in love with you..

There's nothing NOT to love about me.

So we trample in singing and linking arms with each other and the humble six of us form circle and start playing a game with the overhang of a drunken haze and more importantly a good bit of dutch courage. We start playing an unnamed game involved a bouncy ball and a whole lot of secrets and part heartache.

What you had to do was tell a fact about yourself and then bounce the ball to another person who had to do the same. It started off with silly things about things that turned us on, and to honest in went into one of those memorable nights where you really feel the impact of each others lives laid on top of you. I got to really challenge my own honesty from embarrassing childhood memories to life's uncertainties, and so did everybody else.

A lot of people were revealing personal insecurities and battles. I felt like being honest in a seemingly different way and instead of telling something laughable, embarrassing or revealing to just tell something which showed a different angle. My fact of that bounce was; 'I secretly think my body looks kinda awesome naked.' I got a load of woohoos and 'good on you's which made me think that it was a braver thing to say than 'I hate my body naked'

I started to think about how unacceptable it seems to be to be body confident. And I don't mean 'I think I'm the sexiest person in the world, I should be a model' confident. I mean the kind of confident where you realise you should be comfortable and happy and proud of your body rather than apologise over it and hide behind it.

I think when you're single especially when people make jokes about 'That's why you're single' and 'It's not my fault you can't get a boyfriend' you have to remind yourself why you are single; you love the independence, you love the freedom, you haven't found somebody who you want to put a lot of effort into, you're enjoying having a lot of time for yourself etc. You sometimes forget how wonderful you are, how somebody would be lucky to have you just as much as you'll be lucky to have them.

We need to remember as individuals we're totally unique. That the right person will see how talented, gorgeous, funny, kind and inspiring we are; and that's nothing to be afraid of. I'm not afraid of being single but I am afraid of wasting my time with somebody who won't get me, somebody who won't treat me right. I guess it's easy to get caught up in the bad things, and the things you try and change daily but just remember; There's NOTHING not to love about you. You're wonderful, and some day somebody wonderful is going to realise it too.

I wish I had a pet panda.

This is my life, and this is me.

My name's Janine and everytime I meet new people they tell the same jokes for 10 minutes and I never even pretend they're funny. I like video games and eating with my friends, especially at restaurants. I like drinking cider in the daytime talking and organising big nights out. I hate eating outside but I like going for a long walks with one person and feeling so much lighter afterwards; the same with long car drives.

My friends would describe me probably as clumsy, mostly inappropiate and a good laugh. We like doing almost everything with each other. From going out to hanging up washing and leaving the bins out. I think having somebody around you who'll always include you is one of the most valuable things you can ever be proud to have.

I believe in honesty, and this can come off as being very blunt. Once I've let you into my heart it takes me a long time to let go of you completely and I'm not sure I can fully let go at all. I don't trust others until they trust me first and I give out my life story when I've had a few drink and am feeling nostalgic.

I hate snobbery, and those who'll add you on facebook yet walk swiftly past in real life. I've no time for those who break you down to build themselves up or those who never even give you a chance. I believe that people are in the most part good and you have to believe that to get anywhere in life.

I get stressed, angry, and go absolutely ballistic if somebody belittles or patronises me. If my hearts broken I say everything I can to hurt somebody back and I feel the song Leave me Alone (I'm Lonely) so much it's pretty embarrassing. I also feel like I wrote 70% of all the Kate Nash songs she's ever put on an album. Joni Mitchell always makes me think of my childhood and very distant ex-boyfriends who bought me hot chocolate in winter.

Winter makes me feel more creative than the summer ever does and that warm fuzzy feeling going around town when the Christmas lights are on makes me think about falling in love for the very first time.

And I love being the only girl in the room.

Letting it float on.

So you're all having a good laugh and you get that feeling again, as the subject arises. You do that thing where you change the subject to what's for dinner or what movie you're going to watch but it steers right back and all you can do is ask questions as if it doesn't really hurt you. Y'know the 'really?' and 'When did this happen?' questions with a smirk as if it's all great craic. All you can do is pretend to be watching what's on TV or go and grab yourself the fifth ice lolly of the night. You come back in 10 minutes once you've picked up the clothes on your floor and got into your jammies at 8 o'clock.

By this point the conversation has steered away from the original event but has got to the point where if you leave they might wonder why. That ball of sand is at the very top of your throat as you hear more and more about it with everybody's point of view thickening and threading together you witness that you haven't spoken in a pretty long time and you have to say your piece. your shoulders shrug down as you try to say how you feel without turning into an emotional wreck and again telling your life story.

You just gotta let it float on.
And you gotta keep dancing, if nothing else.

This looks amazing.

One Tree Hill.

Experiencing the experience.

I have been thinking recently about all the different things in life; all the different areas in life. In work, friendships, career, church, learning, parenting, and absolutely everything else we learn practically everything we know through experience, we learn how to be better in experience.

In work, if I make a terrible mistake and y'know a customer gets narky all you can say is that you'll do something different to get what they want perfect. You will try again, using what you've done wrong to show you how to do it better, and I think that's what's life's all about.

You see we can often be intimidated through lack of experience. Lets say career wise because generally it's the more experience the better; the more you've been through, witnessed, worked at and successfully achieved, the more it appeals to others and of course the more it helps us as the worker. Obviously not all experience is good experience (think abusive relationships) but in the long term - it really is. Although we get hurt and all the rest of it, without some bad experience we'd really be no better off. We'd never be able to pick ourselves and dust ourselves off. In fact if all we had was good experience as soon as we ran into bad experience we'd immediately be just be destroyed, and that would well, be then end of that because we haven't LEARNT how to deal with failure.

Experiencing anything in life is what makes our lives what they are, what makes us strong and honestly what makes us weak. We are weak because of previous (or current) life traumas which do hold us back from living with the dreaded 'What if?' question and the thought that actually it's comfortable here so I'm just going to stay here (even in misery). Yet naturally this is denying ourselves any breed of life experience at all.

You see we listen to these songs and watch these movies that tell us that all we need is to believe in ourselves yet we've all these people on the dole chasing big pipe dreams and not doing anything about it, waiting for a publisher, a movie producer, a recording artist to knock on their doors and offer them a job. We think if we listen to enough love songs and read enough books about people finding themselves on a road trip that suddenly we'll fall in love and it'll last forever and we'll discover who we are and it'll be wonderful and we can paint our houses lilac. It's just LIFE that we've got and life is what we have to embrace.

I just think life's too bloody short for crying about how hard your life is or telling everybody about why you're self-conscious or why you don't believe in love. I think what we should do is just wise the flip up and go out and meet people, go places take that chance and to a certain extent just don't ever look back. Life's an experience (not to sound too like a Marian Keys novels) and instead of being afraid we should just experience the experience and man up to what we have to to do be happy.

Promise this is the last one of these.

I am so angry. And I hate writing this blog about it but I literally just don't want to tell anybody and I don't want encolse lots of details about how hurt, and upset and absolutely balistic I feel. I just need this to sit here as a reminder of what I have to remain like to not get hurt like I did. A reminder that I have to continue like this because going back to my attitude before this is the absolute worst thing I could ever do.

'Nothing is real, until you let go completely'

And yeah maybe I didn't let go. Maybe I was just that stupid and that vulnerable that I thought maybe it'd be okay and maybe things would work out great and I wouldn't get hurt anymore if I just acted a certain way but no matter how many good words you say about someone, and how much you pretend they're actually really honourable they just rip you to pieces without ever knowing what you're going through in the first place.

I need to just stop and think about the people in my life that actually accept and love me all the time. The ones that listen, don't judge, don't patronise. And I swear right now that this is the last pathetic tears I'm going to pour out over this utter rubbish.

1. I know you're one of those I need to stay from you guys, but the truth is you're okay. I mean some of the time you really make appreciate everything around me. Other times I wanna walk right past you. But you're a character, I'll give you that!
2. I feel kinda guilty for not missing you like I should be.
3. There's something really really attractive about you, and I'm well going to hide it because there's no way that's in any way appropiate with you.
4. I mean, don't get me wrong, you're a lovely guy. But you're the most boring person I've ever came across in my life so far.
5. You shouldn't say what you said to me to everyone. I thought you were so genuine. Now, I just think you're another one of them guys. I don't hold it against you, but I was hoping you were more awesome that that.
6. You would look amazing if you wore a lot less make-up.
7. You need to grow up, and stop being so flipping sensitive and explosive. Fed up with your big lectures and messages, voicemails explaining how unreasonable I am. I have bigger things to worry about than having the same argument over and over again.
8. IloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyou. (You're the only one who gets me)
9. You're probably the most attractive person I've ever met in my whole life. And although I'm not crazy about you as a person I still wanna just look at you all the time. You're so effing beautiful.
10. You're so self-absorbed. It kinda drives me up the wall.

No regrets, just life.

Hiya blogspot. Things have been crazy. I know that's my opening line after a while of not posting something of substance, but it really has been CRAZY. Been out practically every night dancing with a bunch of new friends and all of my old ones from the past few years. It's so refreshing to be back into the life I've kinda been craving all summer long.

I've been playing the new KH game (Birth by sleep) and it's awesome. It's on the PSP and therefore cannot support a mass of characters, but the worlds are bigger and the graphics are definitely up to KH 1 standards. Of course I'm missing the old characters but I know the poignancy of the whole thing is so awesome they're bound to bring in the beginning of them at some point.

Excited for this year, it's going to be another worldwind, and I'm enjoying every minute of eating pizza the next day in your jammies looking at pictures from the night before with glasses of milk.

Maybe.

I'm strong, but I break

I'm stubborn and I make plenty of mistakes
Yeah, I'm hard, and life with me is never easy
To figure out, to love
I'm jaded but oh so lovely
All you have to do hold me
And you'll know and you'll see just how sweet it can be
If you'll trust me, love me, let me

Maybe, maybe

Y'know what I love.

That feeling. The one which starts in the pit of your stomach and rises upwards and shoots to the surface of your face and makes your mouth stretch into a smile, a laugh. The one which can come with a side order of excitement, or nerves but is always sourced with this amazing feeling of comfort. Of finding yourself so absolutely open and feeling like you've never been so... yourself. The moment you just let go and you feel like you're in a whole new world that's just been opened. When you're with certain people, or you hear a certain lyric or you just open the pages you just don't care anymore about what's getting you anxious or down. You just have that feeling and it just reminds you about how great life is, and how great you are to have so many things in life that give you that feeling.

1. Making a perfect cappacino.
2. Beating a really hard boss, and doing a victory dance around the room.
3. Vanilla/Caramel steamers from work.
4. Saving lyrics that really hit home in my drafts.
5. Seeing or hearing something and thinking something, and somebody saying exactly what you were thinking about it.
6. Winking.
7. Saying something in a really suggestive tone when it's in no way suggestive at all.
8. Getting really upset about something, and then making it into a joke so it makes you laugh instead.
9. Really small bottles of lemonade.
10. Dailybooth.
11. Hairclips.
12. Making timetables, complete with all you need to calculate earnings.
13. The phrase 'I'm on it' in work.
14. Checking your balance on screen on payday.
15. Colonic Hydrotherapy. :P
    
    

Everything I own in a box to the left.

Well the summer is fading and the jumpers are being pulled out of my bottom drawer. It's my favourite time of year. It'll be Autumn soon, and I'll be moving back up to my uni house in 6 days. I've only 2 short shifts of work to do before I go back to being a weekend worker and a through the week student and getting into my general lifestyle of getting up at 2pm and eating last nights pizza on mattresses stacked in the living room.

Of course it's not all fun and games. Bit of anxiety about missing those away on placements, re-creating a home with some new friends and hoping the dynamic will suit, hoping money issues that my friends/housemates have will be resolved, hope the work won't swamp me, hope the work will remain as something I can work on and get good grades at, hope the atmosphere is awesome still.

It's been a summer. The reason I don't brand it as great, or eventful is because it wasn't, really. A bit of time off and work is really what I needed. I needed something to motivate and remind me why I'm working at uni, and what I hope to achieve. I'm really excited about living the student life and partying at every opportunity, meeting new exciting people, and getting back that real sense of community and excitement back because lets' face it - summer was lame.

I'm excited for new beginnings, new things to learn and so much drama I can't even imagine it as I sit on my computer chair in my big woolly penguin jumper in bare feet. :)

I hope you are all excited for your new beginnings this Autumn time!

Pet Hates.

1. People who spew their lives onto facebook. This means extremely angry and obvious status updates like; 'hates when your friends only want you when they want to use you for your car but when you don't have it they do not care about you'. Yes, we know exactly who you're annoyed at and exactly the reason. Well done for letting everybody know your business. This is particulary annoying when the next update is 'hates when people stick their nose into your business when it's not wanted' If you don't want people to know about your petty arguments then do not post all but the dialogue of your arguments where everybody you know can see it.
2. Those panda hats.
3. Really obese people who try to make some sort of statement saying skinny women are disgusting and curvy women are sexy. Yes, curvy is sexy, being 20 stone does not count as being curvy. You are not curvy, you're morbidly obese.
4. People who treat others like dirt for pathetic reasons. Especially because of age. People like to think because somebody is a few years younger than them that they are idiots and cannot comprehend big issues or form intelligent opinions.
5. Loud noises in the morning.
6. Prices of food in the cinema. And the fact you're always tempted to get a pick 'n' mix anyway and it ends up being £6.
7. The pre-conception that yoga is really easy.
8. When you make loose plans to do something and when you mention it nobody seems bothered anymore.
9. People who think getting trashed is the only way to have fun in life.
10. The term 'shiz'.
11. Job applications.
12. Job interviews, and the way you have to be so over-enthusiastic. Which in turn embarrasses you when you get the job and have to work with the person that interviewed you!
13. Attractive people who claim they're ugly to get attention.
14. People on the dole who make little to no effort while people who work really hard get so much off them in tax to pay for those sitting on their asses.
15. Extremely rude customers, who treat you like you can't do anything and you should worship them as 'they pay your wages'.
16. Not being able to find a pen.
17. When you leave something in a certain place so you'll remember where it was and somebody moves it.
18. When you're on the phone to somebody and they have a conversation with somebody else in the room they're in.
19. Metro buses ALWAYS being late, then you go a few minutes later, and they come early.
20. Being really really warm and not being able to do anything about it.

Smile. :)

Oh, delete that,

I just feel if I could delete a moment, a movement, a feeling, a decision, an old friendship then I wouldn't have all the stigmas I have. I wouldn't be nervous about certain things and scared about others. I wouldn't swear to myself to not do things in case history repeats itself and I'd be happier and more carefree and daring.

But that's life, isn't it? Crap happens. Your life gets ruined and it gets messy. You lose your self confidence and you feel worthless. Learning to pick yourself up, forcing yourself to enjoy what you find difficult will make life better because you cannot delete what you wish didn't happen. You cannot make things better by pretending they didn't happen. You need to face your future with confidence it will hold happiness or else it won't. I think people can be so lazy with their lives, they dwell on what has happened and use it as an excuse not to take risks and not to ever risk anything in case they get hurt. It's pathetic and childish and we need to push past the part of ourselves which knows we can get hurt.

The last few days have been hell for me. Not enclosing why, but my close friends and my family obviously know. I wish I could delete what happened to me but I have to deal with it and get past it, or else it will only limit me for the rest of my life.

What I love about you is...

1. I can call you whatever mood I'm in. You'll always listen to me, and I'm always scared to ring anybody else because I'm not sure they'd really see the point of having our conversations.
2. You bring out my creativity. You drag out all my opinions and ideas and I know that's why you like me, and that's why I like you. I like that you ask me questions that make me question and explore what I do and why.
3. You ALWAYS put me first. Sure sometimes I get mad and tired and give you hard time but that's me being grumpy. Your big 'Awk sweetheart' after a long day makes me feel better and all the tension in my heart kinda just floats away.
4. You make it impossible not to smile around you. You're willing to put up with a lot to make others happy and never ask for anything in return. You've such a good heart, and always make time for everybody. You're so genuine and everybody loves you being around.
5. You make my day with stupid things. I'll be all worked up and you'll tell me a joke or rake me about doing things wrongly. You never seem stressed or upset and you never let anybody get you down, and that to me is amazing. You make life easier.
6. You're like the one who gets me. Who I know would laugh at what I laugh at, who knows how I'd react to certain situations. You know how to protect me, how to look after me, how to push me, how to enocurage me. And we have the best fun, we have the best everything really.

I'm feeling this today.

Up.

I just watched this because it arrived from play.com this morning. I love it so much. My favourite Pixar movie I think, even though all their movies are awesome. Maybe it was because I'm feeling so emotional today but I cried my eyes out and laughed my head off.

It was exactly what I needed today.

Now I'm away to play video games, in serious need of ice lollies.

You found RARECANDY!

I think memories and nostalgia can be very dangerous. Almost like a poison if you let it consume you. We can become so in love in what we had or did in our past that we'll not have much interest in what'll happen in our futures. We can only think about all our great memories and get into the mindset that they're all we have and the present we're living in is only there as a 'morning after the night before' purpose.

At the same time memories soothe and comfort us when we're inbetween making memories and having good times. Today I was thinking about playing my pink gameboy when I was wee and thinking it was great. Then about a year or so ago picking it up and probably enjoying it just as much. At the time my then boyfriend and friends also got into it and we had such a great time battling and levelling up and having this competitive thing between us. My point is that memories and hobbies in the past cannot be relived but you may find that little things from the past sometimes come back up and you make new memories with something old with new people, or different people.

Sometimes we're scared to go to certain places etc that we went to with former loved ones because we'll remember the memory and it'll just hurt us. However don't let the past take away from the great times on offer. Go with the flow and don't be afraid to revisit some old stuff with somebody new because you're not erasing former memories, and you'll probably make your old pain hurt a lot less. You'll make yourself hurt a lot less.

If we hold on to the past and try and try it into the present it'll never ever work. We'll end up hurt and disappointed. If we're not scared of what's happened we can go to the same places, we can read the same books and listen to the same songs and give them new meaning.

I'm grateful for my memories and I'm greatful for my future. I do not have to choose and I do not have to let one affect the other out of fear. I really can't wait for all the great things to come and all the amazing people and places I'm yet to see. :)

But don't look around in anger.

Hello Internet. These days I've been working like crazy. And like anything, when I get busy and stressed it takes very little to annoy me. People's little mannerisms which kinda got on my nerves turns into a situation I really can't stand and blow up everywhere about it. This ends up in me getting extremely at that person because it seems everything they do is so... little. They don't seem to be doing anything... ever. I get so riled up because, well I don't know you just feel like why you should be working your ass of and getting so stressed when others can laze about and be able to do whatever they want. Why are others reaping the benefits without working and you're barely reaping benefits from working?

It's not even that. I'll have those 'bad mood' DAYS. Days where I'll be grumpy from when I wake up until I go asleep nearly. Where my day will be a constant 'Euuuugh' and it seems to be a pile of annoyances. You feel like you have to deal with every little thing, or get dealt all the raw deals. It's easy to get into the 'I have such a hard life' state and you just have to get it into your head that you have a clean conscious. That you are able to suck it up when you're having a crap time and realise that working through it actually teaches you a lot more than never ever trying.

I guess what keeps me going on those 'I'm having the worst day ever' is the fact that I'm trying. I'm doing something in order to get something... in order to get somewhere. I'm not sitting on my arse with my arms open for the universe to hand me all I've ever wanted. I'm not taking all the money from a big rich family or the government. Sometimes it feels like you're hard done by because you can only truly compare your downs with your ups. You can only go by your own experiences and that's very limiting. We all know about the war in Iraq and the starving children in Africa but that doesn't really make us feel any better because emotion and feeling is more than extreme comparisons. If we dealt with our down days with a 'get over it' attitude then we'd be being unrealistic.

Ultimately there's no point in being angry and it's a destructive and dangerous side effect of a lot of hard work and despite what I write on the Internet sometimes - a good load of banter and experience. :) Hopefully I'll be less angry and more embracing of the good points and lovely people I've met. I promise one day soon I'll blog happy thoughts.